Monster's Tale
by Erybis
Summary: A family ravaged by violence. A girl, who has locked her words. And a boy, trying to control the creature born of his anger. OC, Possible pairing with one of the characters.
1. Chapter 1

**"It is the nature of monsters to destroy their makers."**

_Shugosha stared at the ceiling, dreading the events about to unfold. Moonlight bled from the curtains, its silver essence scattered on the carpet. He picked himself out of the bed as the door slammed, and walked quickly toward his little sister's room, apprehensive of the brutal storm on the horizon. _

_"Shugosha! Where the fuck are you?"_

_He tensed, his arms reaching to protect his sibling. Hitomi stared up at her brother, and hugged him tight. His mother burst into the room, fire poker in hand, and glared at them._

_"How fucking pathetic. Why aren't you working? You're supposed to make me some money, you little shit."_

_Shugosha stammered out a response._

_"I-I-I got f-fired. It's my fault. If you're going to beat someone, let it be me."_

_His mother took in the news, first grimacing, but then smiled. _

_"But that's no fun, is it? Besides, you could take the beatings. If it happened to Hitomi, though, you would have way more incentive to prevent it next time."_

_The familiar fear ran through Shugosha, draining him. Hitomi took another look at her brother, and pushed him away, limping toward her mother. Shugosha made a feeble attempt to snatch her back up, but his mother pointed her weapon at him._

_"Just because you're bigger than most people doesn't mean you can win against against me. If you stay where you are, it'll be short... if I feel like it."_

_His mother raised her fist, and Shugosha watched, unable to do a single thing. That beating, with all the others, was what lit the fuse. It was only a matter of time before it went off._

* * *

><p>He walked up the hill, watching the cherry blossoms float through the air, while his little sister slept on his back. Shugosha wheezed, the scar on his chest burning from the effort, reminding him of the missing lung. It had been two months since they ran away, and even poor, they were incredibly happy. They had found a home in a male dormitory, the landlady making an exception for his eight year old sister, as long as he attended a school nearby. Hitomi didn't want to stay by herself no matter what, so she ended coming with him to the school. Shugosha thought about leaving her in a library, and decided it was probably the best choice. After all, he couldn't just take her to class. As they reached the top of the hill, they were treated to the sight of the large school. He marveled at it, growing a bit scared of what it would be like. Shugosha sighed, and continued toward the library, asking various students for directions along the way, if he could get ahold of one. They were intimidated for the most part, as being approached by a large person with scars on his face was a justifiable cause for such a reaction. He opened the door when he made it to his destination, and was a bit surprised when he found a girl reading on the floor.<p>

"Umm, hello? If you're staying here, could you watch over my sister? At least until you have to go, if that's ok."

The girl didn't respond, and Shugosha shrugged, deciding to take the silence as a yes. As gently as possible, he set down Hitomi, and tip toed out of the room. Up next were his classes. Jeez, it was nerve-racking, but Shugosha continued on, nonetheless, to his homeroom 4-B.

He slid the door open, and stunned the class when he went in. The teacher looked up at him, a bit frightened.

"Are you the new student? If you're not, then I have to inform you that you're not allowed to be here," the teacher told him this, with just a hint of caution.

Shugosha was a bit miffed by this, but replied nonetheless.

"Yeah, I am. I sort of don't know the school layout, could you help me?"

"No! I mean, the class representative will help you. She's right over there."

The teacher pointed toward a girl with purple hair, one of the few students that didn't look like she'd run away screaming. In fact, she just looked annoyed. He smiled, in spite of this. He was glad that she wasn't scared of him; it would make things so much easier. As he approached her, the girl's expression shifted to one of disdain, and she spoke.

"You must be hardcore emo, or you get into a LOT of accidents."

He was surprised at this, but decided to ignore it.

"Neither, but don't ask. I'm Shugosha Miyano. Can I sit behind you?"

Shugosha watched the girl intently, waiting for a response.

The girl was creeped out by the look in his eyes. There was happiness on the surface, but there was something strange in the depths.

"Kyou Fujibiyashi. You probably should sit behind me, seeing as I'll be showing you around the school at lunch."

Shugosha took a seat, a bit interested in the abrasive and fearless student in front of him. Once the teacher settled into her lecture, he felt an intense drowsiness, and found himself drifting away from the classroom.

* * *

><p><em>"Mom, you're not going to hit her, anymore! I'm tired of it! Get away from here, now!"<em>

_Shugosha, age fifteen, held onto his six year old sister. His mother's face contorted with rage, and she swung the firepower at his face. At first, he didn't feel anything. Then he realized his face felt warm, and the pain ripped through him, sending a cascade of tears and blood down his cheek. He howled with pain, but held onto his little sister. His mother swung again and again and again, the fire poker stained red._

_"That's what you get for trying to stop me. Now, I'll hit her the same way. Now get the FUCK out of my way."_

_With that, she grabbed Hitomi, and almost broke her arm, twisting it so hard. Shugosha couldn't see clearly, everything in a haze. He reached out to his sister, and realized what was going to happen to her. Something red started to fill his vision, and he heard a roar, filled with hatred and rage. Shugosha realized he was charging at his mother, screaming at the top of his lungs. How ironic that she would stab into his chest, and take one of them away. The last sounds before he blacked out was his sister crying out, and the noise of her leg snapping, both following him into the darkness._

* * *

><p>"Are you ok? Come on, wake up."<p>

Kyou stood over Shugosha, trying to wake him up from the bad dream he was having. He shot up in his seat, holding his arms up trying to protect himself from whatever nightmare was haunting him. His eyes, wide with fear, where darting back and forth before he came back to reality.

"I'm sorry. I just had a... weird dream, that's all. Don't worry about me, I'm fine."

Shugosha seemed to be ok, but he still had that frightened animal look in his eye. "Could we make a stop at the library before you show me the rest of the school? I want to check on someone."

Kyou shrugged, not really caring in the slightest. "At least be quick about it. I need to help my sister with something." They made their way to the library, where he found his little sister reading a couple of feet away from the barefoot girl.

"Hey Little Sis. How are you doing?" Hitomi smiled and hobbled over to hug his big brother. Kyou watched, and found herself grinning. It was the first time Shugosha really looked happy.

"I'll try and find us food, ok? I know you must be hungry, so if it means I have to tear apart the school to find a snack, I will." Shugosha set his sister down, and she frowned, pointing at his stomach. Shugosha grinned, and answered her silent question.

"I'm not really hungry. Besides, you come first. Always."

Shugosha waved bye, and slid the door closed. His companion grinned at him, and started to lead the way.

"You really love your little sister, don't you?"

Shugosha replied pretty quickly. "I would do anything for her. She's my only family in the world."

"What about your dad and mom?"

Shugosha looked uncomfortable, but responded anyway. "My dad is dead, and we don't live with our mother."

"Why not-"

"So are there any free lunches in the school? Like I said, my little sister is a bit hungry."

Kyou narrowed her eyes, wondering why he was trying to dodge her question. But she decided to ignore it, and focused on the question he just asked. "No, there isn't. Don't you have any money to buy food with?" Shugosha looked a bit nervous at this, and he put on a big show about how he had a lot of money. Kyou giggled, at that moment he reminded her of a certain blonde idiot. Of course, it was obvious that Shugosha wasn't an idiot, just that his acting sucked.

"If you need money, I'll let you borrow so-"

"No. I'm not going to take what I can't pay back. Whatever I need, I'll find myself." Shugosha's eyes hardened and all jovial manner had disappeared. Kyou couldn't help but notice how old he looked at that moment, wondering what had made him that way.

"Well that's the whole school. Be sure to not be late for class."

Kyou waved goodbye and started into a brisk jog toward the courtyard. Shugosha headed toward the opposite direction, hunched over, trying to keep unnoticed. He spotted a group of students gathered around the window, excited over something. He took a look, and was surprised to see a girl, confronting some gang. Some instinct of his kicked in, and he made his way downstairs, toward the soccer field.

* * *

><p>"-You wouldn't want to get hurt, would you?"<p>

Tomoyo, defiant toward the intruders, tensed up, ready to defend herself. They charged at her, and she let out a flurry of kicks, sending them flying. She felt a presence behind her, and instinctively lashed out, feeling her foot sink into something big. Shugosha felt pain, and it set something off. He grabbed the girl's foot, flipping her over and sending her into a daze. Red covered his vision, and he raised a fist, but realized what he was doing, and lowered it.

"I'm so sorry, that was sort of a reflex, are you ok?"

Shugosha helped the student to her feet, trying to think of a way out of this.

"I feel a little bit dizzy, but otherwise, I'm fine. You're the first person to actually hit me in a while."

Shugosha stared at his hands, anger overtaking his expression. He looked and forced a smile, starting to back away.

"I have to go. I'm sorry for what I did, please take care of yourself." He left the silver haired girl in the middle of the field, and retreated into himself.

"You hit a girl, you retard. What's the matter with you? Are you so mentally damaged that you lash out at complete and total strangers? No wonder your mother hates you. She has every right to do so."

Shugosha continued to loop this thought, his mother's mantra, burned into his mind. He spent the rest of the day out of class, committing the school's layout to memory, in case he needed to get out early. As the final class was about to end, he walked to the library, going to pick up his only family. Hitomi was right beside the other girl now, reading from her book.

"It's time to go, Hitomi."

She looked up, and smiled, taping her companion and waving. The reader looked up and waved back. Shugosha couldn't help but smirk at the non-vocal exchange. Hitomi made her way toward her brother, and he put on her on his back. As they made their way toward the dormitory building, he thought of the day, and started to hope this would be the beginning of a life filled with freedom.

* * *

><p>Shugosha and Hitomi arrived at their destination, at peace, until loud screams woke them up from their daydream.<p>

"Wow, someone's getting a pounding. I hope Misae doesn't get too angry with them."

Sure enough, Misae's telltale yell sounded through the dormitory, and the rugby players stampeded through the entrance, in a hurry to get out while they could. Shugosha stomped up the stairs, a little winded from the journey. An argument was ensuing on the second floor, mainly Misae reprimanding some poor blonde kid. Shugosha stood beside the landlady's door, waiting for her to return. After the argument, he watched her walk back, stressed out and frustrated. Her face lit up when she saw the two of them.

"Hey guys. School wasn't so bad, was it?"

"It was ok. Hitomi stayed in the library the whole time, reading."

Misae beamed at Hitomi, and turned serious.

"I have a room for you at the end of the hall, but Hitomi will stay with me because she's too young. You also have to tell me what happened to you. Got it?"

Shugosha was taken aback from her bluntness, but regardless, he nodded.

Sitting down at the table, Shugosha stated back at Misae, waiting for her first question.

"What happened to your face, why doesn't Hitomi talk, why does she limp, and why do you have breathing problems?"

Shugosha was a bit overwhelmed, but proceeded to give answers to all of them.

"First, my mother abused us for quite a long time. She stabbed me in my chest and destroyed my left lung with a fire poker, which she also used to beat my face. She also broke Hitomi's leg, and it never healed right." Shugosha's eyes drifted, reliving the memories, and he looked incredibly sad.

"Hitomi stopped talking after a couple years, probably because she didn't want to. Everything that happened to her was my fault. My mother beat her to spur me on to work for money."

Misae covered her mouth, astonished by what she just heard, and even more so by the flat, emotionless tone Shugosha said it with.

"But it's not your fault! You may think it was, but you couldn't have been able to stop it."

He looked up, and smiled bitterly.

"Maybe that's true. But I could have stood up any time. And I didn't, so it just makes me a coward."

Misae was unreadable, taking in everything without a flicker of emotion.

"One more question. If she hit you in the head so hard, and left scars, is your... brain ok?"

"Actually, it damaged me there too. I can't control my anger, due to the blows, and all the other stuff. I am broken. That's why I'm trying to get Hitomi into a school, and caring for her at the moment. She isn't so shattered, so she could survive and live a better life. Then I can be at peace."

He looked so happy at the thought of this future for his little sister. Misae, registered all this, lifted her hand, and slapped him. It barely registered, but it got his attention. She looked extremely angry, glaring at him with a mixture of frustration and exasperation.

"You are NOT a tool, so stop acting one. You deserve to be happy as well! I'm not telling you to abandon our little sister, but you should live too. If you want to stay in this dorm, you MUST promise me you're going to live for you also, got it?"

Misae was waiting for his response, and Shugosha sat there, mulling it over.

"She comes first, but I'll... try. I'm not making any promises."

Shugosha tried to grin, but it came out weird and destroyed. Misae stood up with her hands on her hips with a stern expression, albeit with a bit of pity. Shugosha tried to leave, but was hugged from behind.

"You don't really deserve this. Just because that woman treated you terribly, does not mean you're a terrible person."

Shugosha nodded stiffly, his expression withdrawn and elsewhere.


	2. Chapter 2

A week had passed, and although he hadn't really made any friends, Shugosha was content. After searching for a couple of days, he found a place to hide from the rest of the school, an old abandoned room that was supposed to have been for some club or something. All he did was sit there quietly, taking in the sounds of students chatting and having their lunch. He still went to classes, but he always chose a seat in the back, waiting for class to end while he whittled his time away thinking up various ways to live after high school that could benefit him as well as his sister. The routine continued, only interrupted by visiting Hitomi and her strange new friend. It was good that she made friends, at least. This went on for a while, until he met a small, first year girl with a wood carving in her hands on his way to his hiding spot.

"Th-Th-is is for you, scary person!"

The first year held out her wood carving, and Shugosha simply stared at it, dumbfounded on what it could be.

"What exactly is this thing?"

The girl was surprised for a second, but then adopted a determined expression.

"This is a starfish, the most excellent of all creatures. Or at least a carving. You must be weird if you don't know what it is, just like that other weird guy."

Shugosha grimaced, a bit tired of the pestering. She was probably making this up anyway. Starfish are probably her equivalent of unicorns.

"Whatever a starfish is, it most likely isn't real. If you really want me to have the carving, I guess I'll take it."

The first year's jaw dropped, clearly astounded by the scary boy's ignorance.

"You're not getting one until I convince you that starfish exist. They're real! You'll see!"

With that, she ran down the hallway, off to bother someone else. In spite of that strange event, Shugosha was in high spirits as he headed toward his room. That is, until he found four students inside. Kyou, a girl who looked exactly like her with short hair, another girl with short brown hair, the blond kid from Shugosha's dorm, and a guy with blue hair. As soon as they saw him, unfortunately, panic ensued. The short haired girls screamed, startled by the appearance of a large, scarred student. Blondie yelped, and fell backwards in the chair he was sitting on. The only two that didn't react at all were Blue Hair and Kyou, paying no attention. Shugosha cowered a bit, the activity frightening him. After the screaming stopped he cleared his throat and asked them a question.

"Why are you here?"

Blue responded, in a brisk tone.

"This is the room for drama club. We're planning on starting it up. Who are you?"

Shugosha introduced himself, and asked who they were. Blue went first.

"I'm Tomoya Okizaki, the girl is Nagisa Furukawa, my friend there is Youhei Sunohara, and the twins are Ryou Fujibiyashi and-"

Kyou cut him off, and spoke for herself.

"He already knows who I am. So emo boy, what are YOU doing here?"

"I usually sit here."

"All by yourself? Like this is your cutting spot?"

"I'm not emo, I just sit here. These scars are from another person, not me."

Nagisa spoke for the first time, still a bit scared, but calm nonetheless.

"Why would someone do that to y-"

"Please don't ask, I find it annoying explaining it to people, and it just generates pity, something I hate."

The situation was a bit awkward, and Tomoya glared at Nagisa, posing a silent question. She got the message, and turned to Shugosha.

"Would you like to join the drama club?"

That really caught his attention.

"Do I have to lift heavy things?"

"No."

"Do I get to sit in this classroom?"

"Yeah, you can sit here."

"Could I bring my little sister to sit in the corner? She'll just read silently or something."

Nagisa was beginning to become flustered by the barrage of questions.

"I don't see why not."

Shugosha thought it over for a second, and nodded.

"Sure, I'll join."

* * *

><p>Shugosha became a member of the drama club, mostly sitting and watching the others talk about ways to fully revive it. He realized he was nothing but a spectator to this group, and wondered about leaving and finding a new place. But every once in a while they looked at him, expecting his opinion, and he couldn't help but feel just a little included.<p>

"We still need two other members and an advisor. I suggest two of you step up and become members so we could move this along."

Tomoya was a bit annoyed by the newcomer. He didn't talk much, and if he did, he just restated what the general idea was. Tomoya stood up, and pointed at Nagisa.

"You need to ask around at least. I can't ask everyone I know if they want to join, because most don't have the time. Step up and be a drama club leader!"

Nagisa was startled by the outburst, trying to gather her jumbled thoughts to say her piece.

"Tomoya, you know I don't have many friends. At best, you four are the closest I have to acquaintances."

Shugosha knew she didn't count him, but that was perfectly understandable. He grinned, realizing how they could advertise their club.

"Do you have any posters, Nagisa? And maybe a mask? I have an idea."

The drama club all looked at him, and Nagisa was interested.

"What do you have in mind?"

* * *

><p>Shugosha started sweating with the mask on. Where did they find a Dango mask anyway? He snickered under the rubber. This was going to be fun.<p>

"Are you ready, Youhei?"

"Just putting on the finishing touches. Hold still."

Kyou had laughed so hard when Shugosha told everybody, blurting out her support.

"That'll sure teach the stupid student council!" You're a genius!"

Even Tomoya, previously peeved with the intruder, cracked a smile.

"Your size will definitely help, that's for sure."

Shugosha was itching to get started.

"Are you DONE yet, Sunohara?"

"Yeah, yeah, I am. Don't stop running until you're dying. Got it?"

He took off without even replying, fast walking down the hall. At the sign of the first group of students, he proudly displayed the sign on his chest, yelling at the top of his lung:

"Join the Drama Club, dango!"

The students turned around, and read the sign, laughing from the sheer energy exhibited by the crazy student. He got through more three groups of people, before they caught on. Some of the student council members started sprinting after him, yelling for him stop. Shugosha plowed through the crowd in front him, laughing like a maniac.

"Oh shit, they're going to catch me- this is the most fun I've had in years!"

He screeched his cry as loud as he could, welcoming everyone to join the drama club. It was at the courtyard that his head began to spin.

"What the- I can't... breathe..."

Shugosha fell on his knees, clutching at his chest. He sucked in air, but it wasn't enough. His vision blurred, and he went down, falling into black.

* * *

><p><em>"Oh shit, oh shit. What am I going to do with you, you little bastard?"<em>

_Kai Miyano stood over her son, wondering what she should do. She knew she had hit him hard, but that stab in the chest was overkill. Kai didn't know how to feel about her kids. Hitomi gave her a small pang of guilt with each beating, the little beast. But Shugosha, fucking Shugosha. He reminded him so much of his god damn father. That asshole ruined so much of her life, leaving her. She couldn't help but think it would be better to just let Shugosha lie there, and watch him drown in his own blood. She felt it'd be the perfect way to go for her husband. Kai watched her only son bleed out on the carpet, a spitting image of the only man she ever loved. Well at least, not anymore._

* * *

><p><em>Young Shugosha woke up in the hospital, his face covered in bandages, which strangely didn't hurt. He poked the layer of cloth on his cheek, feeling something warm and wet underneath. He continued to do this until his doctor came into the room, grabbing his hand gently, but firmly, and moved it away from Shugosha's face.<em>

_"Hey there, little guy. I need you to tell me some things. What's your name?"_

_"Shugosha Miyano."_

_"Well Shugosha, who left you in front of the hospital, and who did that to your face?"_

_He tried to conjure up his memory, but all he did think of were flashes, and blinding pain._

_"I don't remember. Why do you need to know?"_

_The doctor made a note, regarding post traumatic amnesia, and continued._

_"When you were poking your face, did it hurt?"_

_"No, I actually can't feel my face."_

_Shugosha's visitor added to his note, writing about extreme nerve damage. Shugosha's thoughts listed for a second, tugged along by the sweet hand of morphine, but he focused long enough to ask a question of his own._

_"Where's my little sister?"_

_The doctor turned around to try and ask about that, but Shugosha fell back, and sank into blissful sleep._

* * *

><p>"Shugosha! Breathe, damn it!"<p>

His eyes cracked open, catching shades of purple and red, and he tried to go back to sleep. He felt something sock him in the stomach, and his eyes flew wide open, broadcasting the need for air. He gulped oxygen from the mask attached to his face, and took a look around. The drama club, school nurse, and his little sister were standing around him, looking worried. Shugosha tried to get up, but was pushed back down by Kyou.

"You don't have a right lung? Why didn't you tell us about that, idiot? You're lucky your little sister was able to write it down. We thought you died or something. If you did that, then we'd have to find another drama club member."

His mind raced, trying to think up an answer. But his thoughts were drunk on oxygen deprivation, so he didn't respond. Hitomi punched him in the stomach again, angry at her older brother's recklessness. Nagisa stopped her from punching him a third time, but was frustrated as well.

"You have to be careful with yourself. I have five friends now, and I don't want to go down to four."

Shugosha nodded, a part of him happy that he was considered a friend by someone. The school nurse ordered the club out, letting his sister stay. Shugosha kept with the oxygen mask, his breath beginning to become more regular. They're all so kind to him. They barely know him, and yet they just let him in like it was nothing. Shugosha felt guilty, treating them like they didn't matter. He had to repay them. Each person has problems in their life. He should at least try and fix them.

As he made his way around the school, he was confronted by the first year again.

"This is a page from the encyclopedia talking about the starfish, which proves it exists. Now take the carving!"

"This could easily have been doctored. I don't believe it. Try and find something much more substantial, little girl."

"My name is not little girl, it's Fuuko! Just you wait, I'll find something!"

She took off in the same manner, this time headed in the direction of the library. Shugosha, tired from the events of the day, decided to go there as well. After all, the school day was at its end. Upon his arrival, he was stunned. The sheer amount of books around Hitomi and her friend was amazing. Hitomi looked up at her brother, and smiled, but remembered she was supposed to be mad, and changed to the appropriate emotion.

"You still mad? I'm sorry; I promise I won't do that ever again."

Unconvinced, Hitomi stuck out her tongue, and turned back to her book. Shugosha tip toed in a showy fashion, and pounced, grabbing Hitomi and hugging her tight. Under his arms were spasms of silent laughter, and she hugged her brother back.

"She's really smart. You should put her in school."

Hitomi's friend had spoken, staring up at the two of them with a faint interest.

"All she does is read. She's almost as fast as I am."

Shugosha was surprised. He had always thought that the girl would pay him no mind.

"If you don't mind me asking, what's your name?"

The reader did not respond, turning back to her book. He decided to not to pursue the matter, and turned to leave. He peered over his shoulder at the solitary student, and left the door ajar for her. Shugosha, with Hitomi, started their long walk home.

Author's note: And so ends the introductory chapters. Time to really cut into the story. I warn you though, this is not going to be a happy tale the whole way.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: This chapter, and the ones that follow, take place in first person. You could think of the first two as a happy beginning, seen from a happy perspective; These chapters will document his psychological decline, and its effects on the cast.**

_People look at me and see a creature, not a person. One born of violence and pain, something not fit for the eyes of society. I used to think that, and it was so hard to let anyone in. But now there's a group of people who have shown me kindness. Can I trust them? I mean, will they not hurt me or Hitomi, like SHE did? I don't know what to do anymore. I wish you were here, Dad. I wish you could take care of us. But I'll just have to endure for Hitomi's sake. She's the one who deserves this the most._

* * *

><p>I walked to the club room, a tremble in each step. What if they were angry with me for screwing recruitment up? Maybe I shouldn't even go anymore. They probably don't want me there for being SO stupid! For some reason, I kept walking, almost like my legs made the decision for me to go. When I got to the room, I realized I was shaking, scared of them abandoning me. I took a couple of deep breaths, put on a face of utter complacency, and slid the door open.<p>

"There you are! We thought you would never show."

Kyou had so much enthusiasm, that most of my fears disappeared. The club didn't look that angry. On the contrary, they all looked pleased. That's when I noticed the stranger.

"My name is Mariu Suetari! I saw you running around the school, and I couldn't help but think how fun it would be to join."

I couldn't help but feel a little bit happy. Someone joined because of me. I found myself about to grin, but stopped that, and maintained the facade. Tomoya turned to the new recruit, ready to interview.

"So, what are your talents and areas of expertise?"

Mariu beamed, almost too happy to be asked. I watched her face, noticing something was... off.

"I'm so glad you asked! I'm good at singing, I really act well, and I'm one of the strongest girls I know!"

Sunohara, sitting behind the newbie, snickered, a bit incredulous to the girl's response. Tomoya tried his best to keep a straight face, and continued.

"What is your experience in drama?"

Mariu, for a moment, stopped smiling, surprised by the question.

"Well I, uh, was the star in a couple of plays back in my school. I tried to give someone else a shot, but they just kept telling me I should do it since I'm the best at it."

Sunohara tried to contain himself, but he slowly started letting out small chuckles, and as he was just about to explode, Kyou wrapped an arm around his throat, squeezing oh so gently to make a point. Nagisa was starting to lose the hopeful expression she had started the meeting with. Ryou's jovial manner was giving way to her normal nervous self. And I didn't know what to feel about all of it. Did I make a mistake? Tomoya cleared his throat, trying to keep sarcasm from dripping into his voice.

"Why didn't you join drama last year, if you were good at these things?"'

Mariu looked a bit nervous, as she started to fidget in her seat.

"I thought that they should try and shine on their own, you know, without my... help."

The room was silent, and Mariu's eyes darted around the room, her anxiety destroying what little remnants of confidence she had.

"What's wrong? Did I say something weird?"

Kyou cracked up first, letting out a loud guffaw before I put my hand on her mouth. Her laughing made her clench, the muscles in her arm flexing and cutting off Sunohara's air supply. Tomoya stood up, leaving the room with the excuse that he was going to the bathroom, taking at least twenty steps before he busted a gut. Nagisa took hold of the situation, turning to the flustered student.

"Thanks for joining! We have to cut the meeting short because of.. Technical difficulties! Yes, that's right. Come back tomorrow so we can get started."

She walked the recruit out and slid the door closed, for Kyou and Sunohara's sake. I waited until I couldn't hear their footsteps, and let go of them. After Kyou recovered her breath, she was the first to speak.

"That was hilarious! Jeez, is she good at everything?"

Sunohara got back his air, still chortling.

"I know, right? She's probably a born natural at new things, too."

I couldn't but stop their merriment for a few words of advice.

"Let's try being nice to her, ok? We need all the members we can get, and she doesn't seem to be a bad person."

His companions turned to him, and after the giggles stopped, they agreed.

I was going to math class, when Fuuko ran up to me, with the library girl in hand.

"This is Kotomi Ichinose, the genius girl of the school. Kotomi, tell him that starfish exist."

"Starfish exist."

So Kotomi was her name? How ironic. Hitomi and Kotomi, reading together.

"You could of payed her to say that. Shoo, until you bring me a real starfish."

Fuuko, grinded her teeth, frustrated by the not so scary person.

"Fine! You're going to eat your words, weird guy number three!"

She stormed off, blazing a path toward the entrance of the school. I stared at her poor follower, who looked confused.

"Come here, Kotomi."

I took her by the hand and dragged her back to the library. She was pretty scared, apparently by the students walking past us.

"Here you go, Kotomi, the library. Head back into your castle, and wait for a prince to rescue you, not a dragon."

She scurried back to her spot, beside my sister, who was now reading a huge science textbook. Kotomi raised her hand, waving.

"Bye prince."

That comment hit me hard, but I uttered my mantra, on reflex.

"I'm no prince. Just a monster."

With that, I ran toward my class, afraid of the girl of the library.

I buried myself with studies, repressing the memory. I didn't deserve that label. I was only was a beast, nothing more. My thoughts stayed like that, interrupted by the dictionary that slammed into the side of my head. I was momentarily disorientated, but it didn't hurt anyway, and I looked at Kyou. She pointed at the dictionary, miming the action of opening it. I complied, and her note was written on the front page.

"Walk with me afterschool; I need to ask you for a favor."

I nodded, and propped up my head with my hands, trying to stay awake. It didn't work, and I was lulled by the teacher's monotonous lecture to dreamland.

* * *

><p><em>"Dr. Takayami, look, I did it!"<em>

_I held up my arm, showing a makeshift splint, made out of a branch and some duct tape. The good doctor glanced at my progress, and muttered that is was too tight. I cut the tape off and started again, determined to make it perfect. I had been at the hospital for a month now, living there since I didn't remember where I lived. The medical staff didn't seem to mind, probably because my face was still mending its self. Dr. Takayami had given me some lessons in first aid with everyday objects, because he said that since I didn't have anyone visiting me, I should at least have something to do. Sometimes I got brief flashes of my lost memories, like when I watched action movies on the tv in my room. But it's always pain, and shouting. I try and push out, but it slips into my dreams when I go back to sleep. The doctor kept asking me about a sister, but I don't remember anything about it._

_"Shugosha, someone's here to visit you."_

_I got scared and excited. Someone was here for me! I thought I was alone in the world, no family or friends. I ran up to my room, taking care to stop every flight for air. When I got there, I saw this beautiful woman. She was tall, and she glanced at me, with an emotion I couldn't identify._

_"Shugosha, we're going home now. I'm sorry your father did this to you, but everything is going to be ok."_

_Confused, I walked over to her, my head hurting a bit._

_"My dad did this to me? Where is he?"_

_My mother's face, with that frighteningly complacent expression, replied in a voice devoid of emotion._

_"He.. went away. He won't be coming back."_

_"Oh. Do I have a sister? I sort of think I do, but I don't remember."_

_"Yes, you do, Shugosha. She's been rather... anxious to see you._

* * *

><p>As I came out of my dream, I felt my mom reaching toward me, I grabbed the arm, twisting it, roaring as I did, intending to break it like she broke Hitomi's leg.<p>

"Let go, it hurts!"

Kyou! I released my grip, stared at my hands, ad dug them in my face. No, no, no, this wasn't supposed to happen. I grunted, standing up and heading out of class. The teacher called for me to stay, but I ignored her, and walked fast to the bathroom. I needed to get away from them. They'll just call me a monster, and look at me with those angry, hard eyes. I got to the bathroom, and washed my face, trying to imagine what the cold would feel like. I don't know why, but I found myself staring at the sink mirror. I saw a destroyed face, one fit for a demon. Scarred and angry, looking back with rage and contempt. I hated that face, covered in markings that made me look like a freak. The one that frightened everyone, made them stay away. The one that couldn't feel the touch of a kiss from a loved one. Most of all, I hate the owner of the god damn face, the person that let people suffer, that only tried to stand up once and never again. My hands started shaking, and I blacked out. After I came back, all the mirrors were broken and in pieces. What the hell is wrong with me? I tried to open my hands, but my right wouldn't open. I looked down and saw shards embedded inside.

"Shit, I need to get this cleaned."

I bended down picking up the glass and decided to put it in one of the ceiling panels. That's pretty hard when you only have one hand that works, but I got it done anyway. What should I do about the blood? I need to hide, and I can't show my hand to anyone. I left the bathroom, going toward the library. I could definitely spend the whole day there, without any one figuring it out. When I got there, I sat down next to Hitomi, trying to hide my broken hand. She looked up from her book, and smiled at me, until she saw my hand. It took her a couple of seconds to figure it out, but when she did, she started to cry.

"No, please, it was an accident. Don't cry, Hitomi. I just got angry. It won't happen again."

I tried to hug her, but she pushed away, tears running down her face. Why do I mess up everything? I can't take this much longer.

"Hitomi, would it be better if I just left? Maybe, if I went somewhere to starve and d-"

I was interrupted by a fist hitting my face. Hitomi was crying even harder, trying to hang onto my arm.

"How could you say that?"

Kotomi stood over me, angry for the first time I've seen her.

"You don't just.. leave the people you love! It'll poke holes in their hearts, ones that you can't fill up because you'll be dead, never able to come back."

She was crying too, and she went back to a deeper part of the library, sobbing softly.

"I guess that's all I'm good at. Hurting others."


	4. Chapter 4

Things fall to pieces, around me. Especially people. When you look like I do, or act like I do, or do what I do, that tends to happen. That's why I didn't go to the wedding at school. Or to club for a long time. I just spent my days working like I used to, getting the money to stay afloat. I've shut down my emotions for the time being, as with what little goodness in my life I have, I don't want to spoil it. Sometimes my days are spent stalking around town, taking the back roads and shortcuts and committing them to memory, just like school. That's when the mugger appeared.

"Give me all our money, or I'll gut you, freak!"

I watched the little man, with his little knife, reminded of how an animal cowers from a hunter, at the same time ready to strike in defense.

"No. Please go away if you don't want to get hurt."

"Hey, just give your money, and I won't have to hurt you."

The mugger's voice was deflating, starting to show fear to the beast. I started to feel excited, my blood pumping into a frenzy.

"How many people have you killed? I'll give you what you want if you tell me."

The mugger swallowed, eyes darting around for the escape routes he would need.

"I-I-I've killed 2 people, but it was an accident! They tried to run to the police, and I just had to stop them... Now please, I don't want to do that again. Just... give me you money."

I grinned, feeling the thing inside me purr with pleasure.

"You're not getting any."

He took a swipe at me with the knife, but left himself wide open, and the opportunity to grab and break his arm was present.

"Auuugh! Please, I'm sorry, don't hurt me."

"That's the same thing my sister told my mother. She didn't stop. I wonder if I should."

The man was sweating from fear, and pain, and he stared into the eyes of a monster. He whimpered, crying and sniveling like the rat he was.

"I don't have a right lung anymore, you know. It makes me wonder, what sound it made when it was stabbed, as I breathed in and out. And besides, this is what you wanted, right? Deep down, this is what everyone wants. To die."

I was still gritting my teeth in that terrible fashion, and found myself conflicted. One part of me relished in his pain, lapping it up like a dog with water. But the other was holding me back, keeping me from plunging the steel into his chest. What would Hitomi think?

"I'm letting you go now. If you ever do this again, or anything worse, I'll come back and take your face. And relax; I only dislocated your shoulder. Cross me again, and it'll be much slower and more painful."

I walked away, the bloodlust vanishing, and it hit me. What I just did was awful! Why did my mother break me so much? I scratched my face, nervous and at edge.

"Hey!"

I turned, and saw the girl that kicked me on the first day of school.

"You're the boy with the scars. What are you doing here?"

"I'm just walking around town. Why are you here?"

"I live here."

She pointed at the house behind her, a small thing, but a home, nonetheless.

"Do you want to come in to have some tea? I need to ask you some questions, about school."

I looked down at my feet, still wracked with guilt, over what I did.

"I don't think I have the ti-"

"Oh come on, this is important. Plus, all you're doing is walking, so you have plenty of time."

She pulled me inside, her extraordinary strength leaving me defenseless. I took off my shoes, and sat down at the table, the girl doing the same.

"You know, it's funny, I don't even know your name. I'm Tomoyo Sakagami, and you are?"

I must of looked nervous, because she adopted a stern expression, not unlike the one that Misae has.

"My name is Shugosha Miyano."

Tomoyo was giving me a piercing stare, looking like she was about to interrogate me.

"Where have you been? You're usually skulking around the school, trying to hide from the rest of students, but you've been gone for a whole week."

"I'm thinking of dropping out, to support my little sister."

Her gaze softened, with just a tinge of anger that remained"

"You have family problems, don't you? I could tell, because I've been there"

I let out a bitter chuckle, pointing at my face, then my chest.

"Have they ever taken your right lung and face? If the answer is no, then you don't know what I've gone through."

She remained passive, nodding slowly.

"You're probably right. But you let it define you. For that, you're going to suffer."

But I deserved what I got for not protecting who I was supposed to.

"What if I'm supposed to hurt? I mean, all I have to do is look in the mirror, and I have my answer."

"Then you're stupid. Most of all for telling yourself that. Nobody should hurt. Not for any reason in the world. If you think you'll get pity for punishing yourself, then prepare to be disappointed."

In spite of her statement, I felt happy. All of what she said was true. But what about if the damage was already done? I looked down at my hands, the weapons that were just ten minutes ago, ready to kill a human being.

"Tomoyo, you may be a little right. Sometimes, though, humanity creates a monster it cannot control. It shoots it down, with their guns and knives and clubs, and ignores the fact that it was a monster of their creation. This is a cycle that'll continue forever, until people try and stop it from happening."

I stood up to leave, taking one last look at the strongest girl in town.

"If you become successful in life, after school, do me a favor. If you can help it, don't let children get hurt by their parents. They'll just grow up twisted, sad creatures that don't know how anything but pain, and grow up to self-destruct and hurt others."

Tomoyo's eyes followed me out, filled with some semblance of sympathy.

* * *

><p>"What's this I hear about not going to school?"<p>

Misae was looking up at me, betrayal on her face.

"I couldn't stay. I was hurting others."

"The school told me you were the one that broke the mirrors. Is that why your hand is covered in bandages?"

She grabbed my hand and tore at the cloth, and once it was off, she ran to the bathroom. I could hear retching, and Misae returned, very pale.

"We're going to the hospital. Come on."

* * *

><p>Once the receptionist took a look at my hand, she called a nurse to lead me to the emergency room.<p>

"What did you do for the pain, and how did you disinfect it?"

I grimaced, remembering my screams as I poured sake on my hand.

"I drank myself into near numbness, and then I used alcohol."

Hitomi was holding Misae's hand, looking extremely worried for my sake. For her, I put on a happy face, trying to reassure her that I was ok. She was on the verge of tears, her face staring to scrunch up. We went into one of the rooms, the blinding white walls a bit unnerving. The nurse told us to stay, and went to get a doctor. Misae, sat down, tired and stressed.

"So what made you flip out in the bathroom?"

"I attacked a student on accident."

Her eyes widened, and she spoke in a clipped voice.

"Is that it? Did anything else happen to justify what you did?"

I continued to flex my broken hand, trying to open and close it, and I responded.

"I had a bit of a breakdown, and I lost myself for a moment."

Misae let out a long drawn out sigh. She stood up and held my good hand, looking me in the eyes.

"I've taken care of you and your sister for half a year, and you've grown to be sort of like a family to me. I wish I could convince you to feel the same way, but I know you still don't trust me much. That being said, believe me when I say this: I won't let you destroy yourself. Even if I have to tie you up, you will NOT hurt yourself ever again. If you do this again, so help me, I will take Hitomi and kick you out. Got it?"

Before I could answer, the doctor walked in, ready to take a look at my hand.

* * *

><p>"You lost your little finger, and partial use. I thought the doctor would of had to amputate the whole thing."<p>

We were back in the dorm, my right hand in a plastic cast. I had disconnected myself from the world, moving to the back of my head, where nothing could bother me. At least, I tried, before Misae punched me on the shoulder, trying to get my attention.

"Stop spacing out. You need to work on what you'll say to the school office in explanation of your absence, and what you're going to tell the drama club."

"I can't help it. They literally pumped me full of morphine. I can't even think straight, my mind keeps fixating on pudding."

I felt a dizzy, so I fell sideways onto Misae's lap

"Is this what having a real mother feels like? I don't want to ever leave then."

It started to come out, first as a trickle, then a flood.

"I wished I could have had a real childhood. I used to watch the others eat ice cream and play soccer. It looked like so much fun, but I was stuck working. All I did was work, work, work, and work. All the time, I pretended I had parents that love me. I would day dream about it, imagining that when I went home, my mom and dad would both hug me."

"Everyone deserves that, Shugosha."

The delirium induced by the painkiller swung into full throttle, and I pouted like a little kid, growing sleepier by the second.

"I'm not part of everyone, apparently."

Misae leaned forward, giving me a hug in my awkward position.

"Now you are."

My eyelids were dropping, and my thoughts were swimming in happiness.

"I want to live good, like this, until I die. Could you just let me lay here, Misae? Just let me sleep..."

She looked so kind and loving. Could she be my mother now? Will... will she hurt me too? The question dogged me as I slid into my dreams.

**Note: I'm getting a bit weary of trying to guess at how my writing is perceived by others. If anyone could leave a review, that would be awesome. Be sure to be honest, don't sugar coat the bad stuff. Bash me if you have to. **


	5. Chapter 5

"Welcome back!"

The club greeted me with happiness that rivaled my recent emotion. I couldn't help but smile at the people that accepted me just for me. That is, until a nervous Kyou stood up and moved to the back of the room. Ryou took notice, glancing at her sister, choosing not to say anything. I decided not to push for the reason for her actions either; I knew exactly why she did it.

"I'm sorry, guys. I sort of had a bit of an emotional crash, and I hurt my hand in an accident."

Tomoya shook his head, dismissing my lie.

"Your hand was broken because you went insane in the bathroom. Everyone knows that."

I put on a big show, overacting to try and persuade them otherwise.

"Are you crazy? I'm perfectly fine! And so is my hand. Watch this."

I went to the only chalkboard in the room, and tried to write something. I kept trying to pick the chalk up, but my hand just wouldn't do it. Sadness began to slip out of the cracks in my broken face, and I felt myself start to shake. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't grasp what I wanted. Is that what my life will mean, in the end? I can keep trying, but I won't succeed? A hand appeared on top of mine, small and gentle, guiding my fingers to hold the piece of chalk. Kotomi smiled at me, so sweetly.

"You always think that you have to be alone. You don't have to be. Just trust us. We're not going to harm you."

I watched her face, looking for deceit, and found none.

"Will you... Will you guys care for me? Can I believe that you won't hurt me?"

Kotomi gestured to the club, the people that supported me, and treated me like a human being. "You'll need to answer that on your own."

* * *

><p>Nagisa was elated, looking extremely excited.<p>

"We have now eight members! Tomoya and I talked to the music club, and we also have an advisor. So we're now an official club."

The fond way she stared at Tomoya while she said this, made her feelings for him blatantly obvious. I guess a lot has happened since I left. I took a seat, wondering just what exactly went on during my absence.

"That's great. So what are we doing for today?"

Kyou chimed in, her fear almost completely gone.

"We'll start the day off with tongue twisters, and come up with more things to do as we go along."

Mariu, desperately vying for attention, blurted out a challenge.

"I can beat you all so easily. Tongue twisters are just like talking to me."

Sunohara, surprisingly, came up with a retort before any of us.

"Tongue twisters ARE just talking. Stop trying to be special."

Mariu's expression shattered and she became downcast. So quick to be shot down... She perked up; putting on that flawed facade she called enthusiasm.

"Well then, let's start anyway!"

Kyou, peeved by how assertive Mariu was, let it slide and started the exercises.

I made my way home in good spirits, wondering what Hitomi could be doing. Last time I saw her, she was reading a book of fairy tales, and staying home from a minor cold. It reminded me of that day, one of the few where we were actually happy. Hitomi was reading another book on nursery rhymes, and I had read with her about Humpty Dumpty. I even remember it now.

_Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,  
>Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.<br>All the king's horses and all the king's men,  
>Couldn't put Humpty together again.<em>

Something about that rhyme stuck with me. Humpty haunted my dreams, breaking and crying out over and over again. Sometimes, Humpty would crack in free-fall, slowly breaking apart. But I'm not afraid of it anymore. I'll toe the top of the wall until my death, hopefully. But you never know when you're going to fall.

* * *

><p>Kai<p>

God DAMN it! I've been looking for those shits for five months now! That fucking Shugosha, taking his brat of a sister and running away, just like his father. And all I've found is some retarded little town they're supposed to be in, but they're not. I made up my mind, a smile crossing my face. I would search all the places around their supposed new "home". There should be a high school around there anyway. They were probably hiding there. That ghastly grin was taking over my face, and I continued to clean my pistol, the one I'd use to end their worthless lives.

* * *

><p><em>Shugosha<em>

"Time for group projects!"

The teacher called out the news in a cheerful voice, the classroom anything but cheery.

"In a new tradition we are trying, the school has decided to see how well the students could do with teamwork, outside of sports, that is. I will announce the pairings."

She went through the list, making the teams, and Shugosha realized what was about to happen, tensing for the impact.

"The last pair is Kyou and Shugosha! You two will be doing a business project, selling whatever you want. You just have to make a profit. Don't forget, the results are due by the end of the year!"

I opened my mouth to protest, when a hand slammed down on top of it. Kyou, looking murderous, shook her head, and sat back down.

"Move to your partners and discuss plans, please!"

I moved my chair to Kyou's desk, starting with an apology.

"I'm so sorry for hu-"

"Don't! Finish that sentence. I don't care if you're sorry, all I care about is a good grade on the project. Got it?"

I nodded, knowing full well that she wouldn't forgive me. We discussed what we were going to sell until the class ended and she left, all the while that creature continued to gnaw at me, the one known as guilt.

* * *

><p><em>Kyou<em>

Kyou wondered why she had to be partners with such a jackass. Shugosha was crazy, and had mental problems that required large amounts of medicine. So why is he with normal people in school, when he's the most unstable of everyone? She sighed, and tried to rid the thoughts from her mind. At least she could help her sister with Tomoya. That'll definitely help clear her head. She wasn't looking where she was going when she bumped into the stranger.

"Oh, I'm sorry."

The older lady smiled, and Kyou shivered. There was something wrong about that smile.

"It's perfectly fine. Say, do you know a student by the name of Shugosha?"

Kyou was temporarily annoyed at the mention of his name, but she answered regardless.

"Yeah I do. If you're looking for him, just go to the library. He should be there sometimes."

The woman thanked her, and continued on her way.

* * *

><p><em>Kai<em>

I almost couldn't contain my delight at my fortune. After all this time, I would finally get my revenge! I took my time, striding toward the library. I wasn't going to straight out shoot them, but I WAS thinking about a slow, painful death. But what was that thing eating at me? That small voice that had always been there, whispering no at the beatings over the years. The same one that was born from my abusive alcoholic father, that terrible man. It had always pulled at me to stop, but now it was stronger than ever, screaming in my head to turn BACK, apologize, make things right. It was beginning to get harder, the closer I got to the library, all the feelings of regret and shame welling up. But I swallowed it all, determined to take out my pain on someone else. I arrived at the door, and slid it open, focusing on my daughter the minute she came into view.

"Hello, Hitomi. I've come to get you."

* * *

><p><em>Shugosha<em>

The sun was beginning to set, and I was running toward the library, excited to grab Hitomi and go home. We were all going to eat out, Misae, Hitomi, and me. It was going to be the first night out, as a... family. I stood outside the library, catching my breath, and slid open the door.  
>Thus, began my descent into Hell.<p>

**Note: This officially marks the beginning of the real, dark chapters. I want to say thank you to Kozear for my first review of this story, which was pretty generous. Remember, reviews are always welcome, as long as they're honest and constructive.**


	6. Chapter 6

The room was destroyed, books scattered and torn, the table tipped over. Kotomi was lying on the ground, in a state of shock. I hobbled in, the world starting to grow hazy and dull.

"Kotomi, where's my sister?"

She continued to at the wall, her gaze limp and unfocused.

"She took her. She hit me in the face with her gun. How'd she get a gun? Why was she beating Hitomi? Why did she hit me?"

Kotomi was delirious, probably from the blow to the head. I, however started to completely deteriorate.

"Took Hitomi? That BITCH took Hitomi."

I was clawing at my face, in a panic, my brain barely processing the information.

"NO!"

I looked down at Hitomi, whose eyes were unfocused. She had a concussion, I realized. In an instant, I draped her over my shoulder, and headed toward the office. I had to take care of her immediately. My mind was working without my emotions, in an attempt to postpone my inevitable breakdown. I dropped her, not too gracefully, by the door, and kicked it hard enough for the occupants to come see what made the sound. I took off running down the hall, to one group that might help me.

When I got there, Nagisa was stern, in her own timid way.

"You're late for club, Shugosha! Do you know where Kotomi is? She's late too, for some reason."

My lung was starting to fail, from the combined strain carrying Kotomi, and sprinting here. I punched myself, trying to keep from going down.

"Please... help me find my... sister."

I kept wheezing, my friends' faces blurring. Tomoya stood up first, followed by the others.

"Where do we start looking?"

* * *

><p><em>Hitomi<em>

Mommy was back, hitting me and hurting me again. I don't know why, though. I thought Shuga was supposed to help me, but he isn't here. Why did this happen?

"Move along, little bitch. Show me where you've been living all this time.

Mommy was cracking, shaking and breaking. She's going crazy, I thought. I wondered if I should open my mouth to talk, but I remembered again. If my daddy couldn't talk, then I couldn't either. I saw him when he stopped talking. He was in pieces, everywhere, like Humpty Dumpty. That day, I promised not to talk. Even if no one knows it, I lost a piece that day. I lost my voice. I continued to limp toward the dorm, looking for Misae. I'm sorry, Misae. I hope my mommy doesn't hurt you. I hope she hurts me instead.

* * *

><p><em>Shugosha<em>

I left my friends to search in town. My thoughts were swirling through my head, a cauldron of chaos and torment.

_It's your fault, for not protecting your sister!_

_You should kill that bitch, make her pay._

_Let out the monster, he'll help._

_The monster knows where to look._

_Kill her, kill them all._

_They all hate you._

_You're nothing compared to the others._

**YOUR FAULT!**

**LET ME OUT!**

I shivered, in a cold sweat, and pulled at my hair.

"Please, stop. Leave me alone. Leave me alone! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

I punched the wall I was leaning on with my bad hand, splitting the skin on my knuckles. I was breathing heavily, scared out of my mind of the thing inside me. The same thing that came out when I faced that mugger.

"The monster?"

The voice came from behind me, and I turned to face myself. A perfect version of me, without any damage at all. With that sadistic grin plastered on his face.

"Don't worry, I'm not real. I'm just a product of your oxygen starved brain. I'm also everything you want to be."

He lifted his right hand, undamaged, and lifted it to point to his normal, non scarred face.

"I look like you want to look, and talk how you want to talk. But you can't ever have any of this. Aren't you angry at the world?"

I ignored the apparition, walking quickly, with no destination in mind.

"You should make them all pay. Kill them all, show them what a real monster is. Start with Misae, she's holding you back anyway, with her deluded view of how everyone deserves to be loved. It's pretty obvious you shouldn't be loved. You're nothing but a freak, an ugly, stupid beast too dumb to understand when it should just die."

I took a swing at myself, growling, and connected with a brick wall instead. Overcome with pain, I slid against the wall, crumpled on the ground.

"I can't stay here. I have to protect her. I have to save my sister."

The sky shuddered, and began to weep.

* * *

><p><em>Five years ago.<em>

"I love you, Hitomi."

Shugosha hugged his three year old sister tight, making sure she was warm.

"You are the only thing that makes me happy, you know that?"

Hitomi looked at her older brother, puzzled at the meaning of his words, but cooed at the emotion ingrained. Kai looked on, something resembling longing in her face. If she had someone like that, a brother or sister, then she would of grown up so much better. Haruto hugged his wife from behind, comforting her in her sad reminiscing. He waited for her to be calm, and looked into her eyes.

"I'm going to take Hitomi and Shugosha out to run around and get rid of some of their energy. Do you want to come with us?"

Kai shook her head, shooing her husband away. They left, and she never saw Haruto again. He held the hands of his children, walking down the sidewalk toward the park. Hitomi bounced merrily, laughing like any three years old, and Shugosha was silent, taking in everything. Haruto smiled, the love of his kids welling up in his chest. They stopped at a crossing, waiting for the light to turn red. The family started toward the other side. They never got there.

* * *

><p><em>Kyou<em>

I ran all over town, starting in the alleys. I know that Shugosha is crazy, but I shouldn't let my anger get in the way of helping his sister. She's the only thing that's holding him together. Without Hitomi, Shugosha would fall to pieces. I searched all of the backroads and places, and I ended up finding Shugosha, instead. Dejected, defeated, right hand a bloody mess, and lips tinged with blue, he looked like he had given up. I couldn't help but get angry.

"Get up!"

Shugosha didn't answer, in that spiral of depression. I can't believe it, it just made me so mad.

"So that's it? You give up? That's pathetic. She's the only person that relied on you, and you're the only person she has. To do this... you're no better than whoever hurt you!"

He twitched, and looked up at me.

"I can't... My body is shutting down. I just can't get past my weakness."

I couldn't stop myself. I slammed my foot into his ribcage.

"Neither can Hitomi! She can't do it without you! She's just a little girl, and you're going to let her get taken? Do you want her to get as destroyed as you? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?"

Shugosha jerked up, heaving, and slowly got up. Turning his back, he trudged toward his destination, one of the places that Hitomi would go to if she was scared: the dormitory. I watched him, wondering, why did people like him have to exist? The ones that were born to suffer.

* * *

><p><em>Five years ago.<em>

"I'm sorry, Ms. Miyano. Your husband was killed by someone who was running a red light."

Kai clutched her chest, eyes wide open, the light leaving them. The police officer left, leaving the kids back home.

"Haruto, the only man who ever loved me, dead? No, that's impossible. He left me! Yes, he left because he realized that I was a terrible person. My father was right all along. Heh."

She laughed nervously, scratching at her face, and turned to her children. Shugosha, completely frozen, who looked so much like her husband... she couldn't take it. It just took three punches to make Shugosha realize, his mother was not sane anymore.

I started to see the world differently that day. I used to think that it was a happy place, filled with love and beauty. Then my mother took a hammer, and shattered that dream. The only thing I could cling to were shards, nothing more. I was losing those last shards, though, right now. I started into a brisk jog, and slowly led into an all-out sprint. I had to get there now. I had a terrible feeling that I was almost out of time. I reached the large building, getting a foreboding feeling from the place. I opened the doors, and walked in. The hallways were clean, devoid of dirt and filth, the same hallways that I had been walking for some time now. Where is my sister? And where is Misae?

That's when I heard it. The scream echoed through the building, filled with pain, and ran right through me. Something snapped inside my head, and I roared back, charging up the stairs to come face to face with my mother.

"Hey, son. Welcome home."

Misae was on the floor, face down. Hitomi was being dragged by her hair, tears running down her face. Fury enveloped me, and I lunged, trying to get my hands around her throat. She swung the gun in her hand in an arc, bashing it against my temple, and I went to my knees, the world tipping over.

"Not yet. Soon, it will all end."

The world went black.

* * *

><p>I woke up, groggy and weak, tied up alongside a still unconscious Misae.<p>

"She hasn't woken up for a while. I sort of hit her harder than I should of. Oops."

My mother sat in front of me, cleaning her bloodied weapon, all the while sporting a strange happy expression.

"I had to steal this from an officer, you know. Of course, while he was asleep. After a couple blows to the head, he was about ready to hit the hay."

Kai giggled, her hands shaking harder than ever. She pressed the gun to my forehead.

"Say sorry, Haruto. For running away."

I grit my teeth, fed up with her gibberish.

"Dad is dead. He did not run away, just hit by a car. I know, I watched."

The news did not penetrate her lovely little world, and she hit me with the gun.

"Say sorry."

I glared at my mother, trying to will the hatred to make it to her brain. No such luck, so she pistol-whipped me another three times.

"I said say sorry. I have three bullets, you know. One for Hitomi, you, and me."

She laughed again, holding her face in her hands.

"Last time, say sorry."

I couldn't answer, the room coming to me in pieces. My mother faked a surprised look.

"Oh no, I broke him! Time to play with my other toy."

She grabbed Hitomi's chair, staring deep into her eyes.

"Hey sweety! Can you fix your father for me?"

Hitomi was barely breathing, her face swelled and bleeding. My eyes focused on her face, and I began to reclaim my anger.

"You did that to her... I'll kill you. I'll fucking rip your throat out!"

She put the gun to Hitomi's head, looking sad.

"Don't make me blow her brains out. Now say sorry."

Her eyes were empty, devoid of sympathy. Only pure, concentrated pain. I decided to do it, in spite of everything. Even through the years she beat the two of us, she always cried in her room over the years. Maybe this would bring her peace.

"I'm sorry. For leaving you and making you take care of the kids by yourself."

Her trembling had spread, now completely taking her over. Tears ran down her face.

"It's not fair. It's not fair that he had to leave me by myself, with those memories in my head."

She lifted the gun to the side of her head.

"All those memories, boiling up and churning. I get beaten. Then touched. Then thrown away.. I can't get these dirty pictures out of my head! Make them leave!"

Time slowed down, and revealed my mother to be what she really was: a ruined individual, lashing out against a world that hurt her again and again. Destroyed almost beyond repair. Slowly, she lowered the gun, and bent down to cut the twine she tied me up with. I got up slowly, afraid I'd scare her into killing me. With a hollow smile, she handed me the gun.

"Shoot me. End it so I can find some peace."

My mother wants me to shoot her. I teetered on my feet, dizzy. She hit us and hurt us so much. She cried so much, cursing god. She was my mother. These messages ran through my head, and I also thought about what she just said. She had gotten beaten as well, and was possibly molested. It's just a viscous cycle, in the end. One person abuses their kid, who abuses their kid, who does the same with their's. Why can't it just end? I glanced at the gun in my hand, the power to kill my abuser. I wanted to press it to her head, and pull the trigger. I began to tremble myself, until it hit me. She was just like me.

"No."

I threw down the gun, and embraced my mother, a hard thing to do.

"Someone told me that everyone has the right to a good life. Another person told me to not let your past define you."

She fell into my shoulders, and warmth started to spread on my shoulders, followed by wracking sobs.

"I'll try and forgive you, Mom. But you have to love yourself. That's the only way I can love you."

I let her fall asleep like that, and set her down. I had to fix everything. That way, maybe, just maybe, we could be a family again, like when Dad was alive. I hope you're watching, Dad. I'm going to make you proud.

* * *

><p><em>Five years ago.<em>

_"Son, I want you to promise me something."_

_"Yeah, Dad?"_

_"Take care of everyone when I'm gone, ok?"_

_"Of course, Dad."_

**Note: Wow that was a difficult chapter to write. It was probably my best, too. I'm hoping to start another arc, one that brings Shugosha closer to his "family". As always, feel free to leave reviews.**


	7. Chapter 7

It's been a month since the incident. My mother has become a feeble wisp of a woman, clinging to Misae and trying to get better. Misae wasn't able to forgive her at first, but she realized what a wreck my mother was, and decided to help heal her cracked mind. Hitomi was actually the most difficult, hiding in one of the closets and staying there for quite a while. She cried many times, from the sheer proximity of her tormentor in the house. Mom tried to leave after a while, but her things mysteriously disappeared, only reappearing when she decided to stay. Misae set her up with a job at a bakery, in some place I haven't been to. The whole thing was a bit hard on me as well. I haven't been able to replicate that hug, and we've caught my mother clawing at her face, trying to hurt herself. The most disturbing thing is what she would say:

"Shugosha, I'll look like you, and then you can forgive me, right? Right?"

The pain of watching her do this to herself cut deep, and Misae would take her aside, telling her what she did wrong. Mom would also not talk at all, some days, staying fixated on Hitomi and reading over her shoulder.I wondered why I cared so much about that woman. She caused me and Hitomi so much pain, and yet, seeing her hurt herself in an attempt to make me happy really hit me hard. I sighed, focusing on my task at hand. Kyou looked as annoyed as ever, grimacing at my lack of attention. I pretended to ignore her, rolling my eyes around the room until they rested on her face. I couldn't help it.

"Your face is gonna stay like that."

She tried to stay serious, but she cracked up.

"Jeez, you're one to talk. You didn't have that in mind when you went emo on yourself."

I narrowed my eyes, my turn to be annoyed.

"Says the dictionary girl with a killer arm. How many faces have you wrecked?"

Kyou frowned, and dismissed my question with a wave, following it up with one if her own.

"So what are we going to sell? This project is pretty big, and I want to pass. You HAVE to do it, considering how many days you've taken off for your angsty tirades."

I pondered our choices, drumming the fingers on my good hand on the desk. Kyou glanced uneasily at my right hand, interrupting my thoughts for another question.

"I never asked you, but why did you hurt your hand?"

I looked down at my disfigured appendage, surprised at her inquiry. I answered as well as I could.

"It was the same hand that hurt you. So I hurt it. I did wrong, and got the punishment."

Kyou's face contorted in a strange mix of emotion. Sadness, anger, and confusion mingled at the same time. She then slammed a book into my face.

"Never punish yourself again. Ever."

She struggled to keep calm and level, but small pieces of emotion slipped out. She made a gagging noise, turning her face away for a second, and faced me, composure intact. Meanwhile, I sat there and wondered what I did wrong.

Kyou quickly walked out after the bell rang, so I made my way to the library. I wondered how Kotomi was doing. She should be there reading, trying to whittle away the time until club. I slid open the door, delighted to see my friend and his little sister inside.

"Hey, Kotomi. How are you today?"

Kotomi looked up, the bandage on her head partially obscuring her vision. She smiled nervously, and motioned for me to sit down. I took a seat, and she cleared her throat.

"How is... your mother?"

Her voice was layered with small tremors, and her eyes were filled with fear at what happened to her during the "Incident".

"She's not right in the head, for the most part. She feels very guilty about what she did, Kotomi. For what she did to me, Hitomi, and you. For each year that she beat us, she wants to hurt herself a hundred times. Hell, she tried to screw up her face so I would forgive her. One part of me wants to yell at her, and tell her that isn't enough. Another part just wants me to accept her apology and and make it better."

Kotomi was a bit bothered by the whole thing, but she put it behind her, and helped to calm me.

"You need to do what you feel is right. There's Shugosha, and there's revenge. What does Shugosha want?"

I shook my head, exasperated by the whole situation. I started to scratch my cheeks, something I did when I was stressed to my breaking point.

"Shugosha doesn't know, Kotomi."

She gently took my hand in hers, to prevent me from hurting myself, and looked me in the eyes.

"You know what to do, you just need to look through your heart."

Her words resonated in my mind, echoing in my thoughts. I found myself thinking of Kotomi, and for a moment, I was trapped by her eyes. Was I falling in love? I don't need love right now. After all, she wouldn't love an ugly person like me back. Scarred, abused, and destroyed. Impossible to love. I am nothing but a tool, to be used in helping others. I grinned at my purpose, delighting in it. I would help all I could, and then rest.

"Kotomi!"

She looked up from what she was reading, puzzled. I was wringing my hands, anxious all of a sudden.

"Is there anything I could do to make you more happy? Like anything that you like to do?"

Kotomi thought about the request, trying to pick her most favorite thing to do.

"You could take me to a bookstore. I need to find something new to read."

I looked over at Hitomi, calling her name to get her attention.

"Would you like to go to a bookstore as well?"

My sister nodded vigorously, lighting up completely. She bounced a little in her seat, more excited than I've seen her for a long time. I left the room, intent on my goal, and ran toward class. Then the voices started.

_Why help that weakling? Nobody helped you with your problems. You should hurt her, instead. She doesn't need kindness, only pain. Maybe break her in the process, and then you can take her, and-_

"STOP!"

I grabbed my right hand, wrenching the fingers back, trying to find someway to cause pain and make the voice go away. It became silent, and I stood there, trying to bear the agony.

"Something is wrong with me. That's pretty obvious. But how do I fix it?"

All I can do for now is inflict pain on myself. That was the only way the demon would keep quiet. The whispers started, and I sunk my fingers into my the stump where my pinky used to be, silencing them. I made my way down the hall, slowly and deliberately, and picked up speed, walking as fast as possible. I bumped into a student, hard, and fell back. It was one of the soccer players.

"Watch where you step, freak."

He looked at me with contempt, and I remembered that our team had lost a game the night before. It's ok, Shugosha. Just apologize.

"I'm sorry, I was in a hurry to get to class."

The student narrowed his eyes, angered by my weak response.

"I don't care. Just because you're big, doesn't mean I won't break your teeth in the next time you get in my way. Got it?"

I felt myself grin, the familiar bloodlust invading my reasoning.

"I don't have to take orders from you, you piece of shit. You better go before I rip your throat out."

My voice came out in a rasp, and I wanted to tear his tongue out of his head, and watch him try and cry out for his mommy. The boy was furious, enraged by my rebuttal.

"You're really asking for it, fugly. I think I'm gonna give it to you!"

He charged at me, taking a swing at my face. It connected, and I was knocked back a bit. He tried to punch me again, but I dipped in and grabbed his face.

I squeezed, hearing the satisfying crunch of his nose breaking. He screamed, clutching at his face, and crying. A cluster of students gathered around, most looking scared of me. I yelled at all of them, hoarse with rage.

"Who else wants to fight the freak, huh? You're all so afraid of me, that you can't even look me in the eye. Well I've had it!"

I threw a punch at the crowd, and my fist was caught. Tomoyo twisted my arm, and delivered a kick into my stomach. I went down, gasping for air.

"What the hell are you doing? I told you, don't let you past define you. Are you going to take out your problems on everyone else?"

I glared at her, feeling the urge to strangle her, and stopped myself. I lost control again. I can't stop hurting others.

"I... I have to go."

I took off, stopped by Tomoyo leaping on to my back.

"You're not running away. Deal with it!"

I was still out of breath from her kick, and I bashed my fist into my cheat, trying to get oxygen into my lung. I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed the arms around my neck, and threw Tomoyo on the floor, and wrapped my hands around her throat. Her eyes looked desperate, and she bucked, trying to get out.

"Get away from her!"

Tomoya, appearing from nowhere, shoved me away from Tomoyo. I took the moment to escape, jumping out the window. I heard my ankles crunch, but I limped on, trying to get clear of the school.

"All of them are just going to hurt me, in the end. I can't trust them."

I stopped in an alley, catching my breath, and headed for the dormitory. Once I got there, I went up to my room, almost acting solely on adrenaline. My body acted on it's own, putting my things in a backpack. Clothes, money, toothbrush, anything I needed. I had to get out of this town, and find some place to live alone. Somewhere I couldn't destroy the people I loved. I didn't have enough money, so I went to Misae's room.

"I'm sorry about this, Misae."

I unlocked the door with the spare key she had given to me a while ago, and crept in. I searched every room, and all I could find was two thousand yen. I eyed my mother's room, and went in to look for more. Under her bed, I found her gun. She told us that she threw it away, but I guess she kept it. I pick it up, noticing it was loaded. I fiddled with the barrel, and I heard a click as I slid it back. This is the thing that people use to kill others now. And sometimes themselves. I sat down on her bed, balancing the gun and feeling the weight. IT started whispering again.

_You should kill someone. It'll make you feel better._

_Maybe Misae._

_Or Hitomi._

_What about your terrible mother?_

_And the drama club._

"Or me."

The voice that said that was my own. My finger found it's way onto the trigger, and I raised the gun to point at my chest.

"No quick way out. If I'm going to shoot myself, I might as well suffer for it."

I stared at the mirror on the wall across from me, studying that boy that was shaking so badly. I watched him start to cry, and i stood up, facing that boy. The boy in the mirror spoke.

"You're supposed to take care of the family. Dad said."

Another joined him in the mirror, the owner of the voice.

"Who said you have to? Just pull the trigger. Nobody likes you enough to keep you around. Besides, you're a danger to everyone around you. A monster."

I looked at that malevolent creature, the one that had invaded my mind.

"I'm not going to shoot myself. But I'm not going to stay here. They don't need me here. Hitomi and my mother will be happy here, without me. I have to get out."

I slid the gun into my bag, and left quietly. As I walked down the sidewalk, I turned back to look at my home. I couldn't help but feel sad, leaving my family behind. I waved at the old building, and my life began. One of loneliness and pain, but of relief, knowing that my family would be ok. Or so I thought, as I would learn when my old life would drag me back.

**Note: Sorry for the long wait. Around this time of year everyone is busy, myself included. If anyone can PM me, as I don't know whether to choose from Nagisa's Death storyline, or the other where she is alive. Feel free to leave a review.**


	8. Chapter 8

_Hitomi_

Seven years.

It's been seven years, and Shugosha never came back. He left, without bothering to say goodbye. I didn't know how to feel at the time. I was very young, so I cried, not knowing why he had to leave. My mother was worse. She would stay at the window, beating herself over it. She turns resentful at times, returning to her old mindset, but I always set her straight. Crestfallen, she would sit on the couch for days, trying to reform her mind again. Her boss was always sympathetic, letting her take off days to get mentally sound, and she made up for it by working harder at the office. I... have almost forgiven her. She was one of the reasons I never talked for so long, the person that had given me my limp. But she's trying to make amends. That's what should matter the most. My thoughts drifted for a bit, interrupted by a phone call. I got up from my bed, my feet sinking into the carpet as I went to see who was calling. I gingerly picked up the phone, and answered.

"Hello, who is this?"

"Dr. Yamimoto. I am looking for a member of the Miyano family; May I speak to one?"

"This is Hitomi Miyano. May I ask why are you calling?"

The doctor cleared his throat, sounding nervous.

"We found a man, who identified himself as a Shugosha Miyano. He's not in the best state of mind as he had sustained multiple stab wounds when we brought him in. He's fully recovered, but we can't release him without another family member."

My heart stopped, and a tidal wave of emotion crashed down. Shugosha, here? I felt so conflicted, wondering if I should be filled with happiness or anger.

"Ms. Miyano? Are you still there?"

I snapped out of my trance, and responded.

"Yes, I'm still here. What's the address of your hospital?"

* * *

><p>I ran through the snow, the cold wind biting at my skin. I couldn't stop for anything in the world, my legs acting on their own. My brother was back! The same person that left us, without even leaving a note. After all these years... I had no idea what I should say to him. Maybe tell him about Tomoya and Nagisa's marriage and child? Or Kotomi going to America for school? I was starting to get a headache, thinking about everything. Before I knew it, I was in front of my destination. I was scared, so scared, of how Shugosha would be. A thought crossed my mind, pushing its way to the foremost place: What if he wasn't Shugosha?<p>

Dr. Yamimoto led me to the room, and left to check on other patients. I stood outside, too frightened to go in.

"Hitomi?"

The voice that came from inside was gruff and weathered, but it was my brother's. I stepped inside, and peered at the man I called my brother. He had a full beard, and his hair covered his scarred complexion. Malnourished, he looked shrunken and weak, almost skeletal. He had bandages across his chest, and he was wringing his hands. Beginning to cry, he reached out slowly, as if trying to grasp a dream.

"Hitomi... You look so much like Mom, now. I'm so sorry for leaving. I-"

I help up my hand to stop him, starting to cry myself. I couldn't speak, just like before. I tried to get the words out, but in the end I just let my facial expressions speak for me. He stood up, and tried to approach me, but he ultimately backed away, muttering to himself.

"I missed so much. I had to leave, but I never imagined I'd be gone for seven years. I'm so stupid."

Shugosha went off, talking to himself, talking in a low voice that I couldn't hear. I jumped when he plunged his thumb into one of his bandages, his wound starting to bleed again. He hissed out an angry and desperate plea.

"Stop. It. Now."

I took a step forward, and yanked his hand out, frustrated with him. I opened my mouth to try and speak, but again, no words came out. My older brother peered at me from behind the tendrils of hair, his eyes filled with regret.

"Hitomi, just take me out of this place. I promise I'll leave you guys alone."

I was struck with disbelief from his offer. I pushed him away, and the words tumbled out.

"You left without saying anything! Me and Mom couldn't take it! We felt so much pain because of you. And now you want to leave again? I won't let you! I'll leave you here, if I have to, just so you can think about what you did!"

I slammed the door behind me, and was immediately stopped by the doctor.

"You can't leave. We need your help with something regarding him."

"So what? All he does is care about himself, apparently. He left us seven years ago, and he'll leave us now, too."

Dr. Yamimoto glanced at Shugosha's door, nervous of being overheard.

"That's the thing. You're wrong, because he's NOT thinking of himself enough. We try to give him painkillers, but he takes the pills and gives it to the people he that he thinks suffer more than him. He does the same with food, giving it to the children instead. We can't take care of him if he refuses to let us. We need you to talk him into it."

I was taken aback by the whole thing, but at the same time, it did sound like Shugosha. I let out a sigh of frustration, motioning for the doctor to leave. I turned around and took a deep breath, entering the room slowly. Before he could open his mouth, I spoke first.

"I'm not going to forgive you. But if you eat and get better, I'll let you visit us. But you are not going to leave town."

Shugosha looked hopeful, but wary of his second chance.

"Fine. But I am sorry, little sister. I really do wish I could have been there for you."

I gave him the cold shoulder and left the hospital. I was still reeling from the whole thing. How could he show up after what he did? I stomped through the snow, my mood getting better with each step, looking forward to by job tonight. Little Ushio is the one person to make me happy when I'm troubled. My steps lightened, and as I made my way home, the snow started to kick up.

"Feels like a blizzard. I hope Mom will get home OK."

No matter what how much I tried to think about something else, Shugosha dominated my mind, his broken body burned into my memory.

* * *

><p>The hospital was being battered by the winds, three hours later. Dr. Yamimoto looked up with worry at the flickering lights, and comforted the patients in the cafeteria, where they all had assembled. Ryou Fujibayashi ran to her employer with only bad news to give.<p>

"Doctor, at this rate, our electricity will go out, and we might freeze! We have to send someone out to turn on the backup power."

He shook his head, dismissing the suggestion.

"It's below zero out there. We can't afford to lose anyone."

Ryou, scared out of her mind, sat down, trying to collect herself.

"We might die here. We really could die."

The lights went out, and the heating died, cut off from its source of life. Some of the kids started to cry, and an elderly woman held her grandchild close. Shugosha was by himself, away from it all, observing and listening to everything. He got up, and slipped toward the offices. He knew exactly what he had to do. Shugosha sifted through the rooms, searching for his things, and came across his flask. It contained a very strong drink, one he always bought with any spare money he had. He downed it in a flash, and looted the rest of the alcohol some of the employees kept in their desks. After drinking well above a dangerous amount, he wrapped himself in all the blankets and clothing he could find. Shugosha made his way to the doors, knowing exactly where the generators were from his obsessive habit of studying his surrounding area. One of the interns by the door stopped him.

"You can't go out there, it's too cold. You'll freeze out there."

Shugosha grinned, slamming his fist into the intern's fist. He staggered back, and landed on his butt, dazed by the sudden attack. Before he could stop him, Shugosha went out into the blizzard, determined to get to his goal. The man turned on his portable radio, sending out a message.

"That new arrival, Shugosha? He just went out after attacking me."

Meanwhile, Dr. Yamimoto panicked, pulling aside Ryou. The other patients had heard his radio broadcast it to all, and word spread throughout the crowd, everyone becoming alarmed.

"You have to help keep these people calm. We can't have them going crazy, or we won't even have a change at surviving the night."

"Did he say Shugosha? Shugosha Miyano?"

"Yes, he did. If you know him, then you might as well hope for him, because he's probably going die out there, even if he gets the electricity on."

Ryou's old anxiety momentarily overtook her, but she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned to see an old man with a gentle smile on his face.

"Don't you worry about that man. He's been giving me his painkillers for a week, and bearing the pain himself. He's tougher than most people I know. If anyone has a chance of living through that blizzard, it's him."

Surprised, Ryou had little choice but to accept what he said and believe in her old friend. It was the only thing she could do.

* * *

><p><em>Shugosha<em>

The blistering winds beat up on me, howling for me to succumb. But I pushed through, trudging through the slush, trying to make out a small building among the white. The demon began its speech.

"You haven't hurt anyone yet. I'm surprised, actually. I know that your victims have all "deserved" it. But I thought even you would go crazy in this sinless town. But why risk your hide to save these "perfect" people?"

I stumbled, my legs starting to get hard to move. He continued, his snide tone melting into a softer one.

"You may think me evil, but I am you. The piece that cares for for yourself. Everyone is selfish, but you chose to cut that piece away. I'm still here, so that must mean something."

I shook my head, both for his ramblings and to keep myself awake.

"I don't have a future, but other people do. It's my duty to at least make sure they see it."

I slammed into a wall, invisible in the blizzard. I inched my way along it, feeling for the door handle. I was so sleepy. I found the door, and my shaking hands fumbled to open it. The room inside was dark and musty, and the old generator sat there, waiting to come to life. I slumped toward the switch, dragging my semi frozen legs. I fell onto the generator, barely keeping awake.

"I should just go to sleep. Even if I die, I won't have to worry about anything anymore."

That's when I thought about the kids, nurses, doctors, and everyone else back at the hospital, all of them depending on me to succeed. With a burst of adrenaline, I yanked the lever down, and listened to the generator begin to hum. I used it to help me stand back up, and hobbled toward the door. Taking a deep breath, I stepped out into the snow.

* * *

><p>Ryou huddled close to her patients, reassuring them that it would be all ok. They were OK for the moment, but the temperature would start to plummet, and they'd all freeze. Out of nowhere, the lights came back on, and the room started to warm up. There was a moment of complete silence, where everyone couldn't believe what was happening. As warmth spread through their freezing bodies, one by one, they were filled with joy and started to rejoice. Ryou herself was happy, until she remembered the person that had gone out. She ran toward the door that Shugosha had gone out of. He was nowhere to be seen, but after wiping away the condensation on the glass door, she spotted a dark shape in the snow. Without thinking, she burst out and sprinted toward her friend, as fast as was possible in a blizzard. Sure enough, it was Shugosha. She struggled to drag him, his body too big and heavy to properly carry. Two pairs of hands appeared from nowhere to help, and Ryou looked to see her coworkers as determined to get him inside as she was. Slowly, they inched him along, until they were finally inside. Ryou checked his pulse, and found none. His eyes were glazed and dull, the spark of life almost completely gone. He was almost entirely blue, the blood cells under his skin dead and withered. Keeping herself from freaking out, she ordered her helpers to get the doctor and an AED. She tore open Shugosha's shirt, and started to perform CPR. She estimated that his heart had stopped beating for at least five minutes, judging by how long ago the lights had come back on. After two minutes the AED had arrived, already charged.<p>

"Come on, Shugosha. Hold on."

Ryou pressed the paddles down sending a charge into his chest. No response. She tried again. And again. And again. Before she knew it, tears were running down her face.

"It's not fair. You saved us, and this is what you get?"

She increased the voltage, making sure not to put too much, as it would fry his heart. In a fit of frustration, Ryou pratically slammed down the defibrillator on his chest, and Shugosha jerked up for a moment, grasping at the air, and fell back down, his heart finally starting to beat. Ryou laughed with relief, and Dr. Yamamoto arrived, preparing for the worst. As he saw the situation, he tapped his assistant on the back, getting her attention.

"We still need to take care of him. We have to get him warm NOW. There is also the possibility of brain damage, but considering that he has severe hypothermia, it's unlikely. He's lucky. His reckless actions actually aided in keeping him alive."

They carried him to his room, and began to treat the frostbite and damage to his already healing wound. Ryou left to make some calls, and was forced out of helping her friend afterwards, due to her being too close to the patient.

* * *

><p><em>Shugosha<em>

Dying is overrated. As my heart slowed in the snow, I felt a large sense of peace invade my body, and stopped fighting. It was so easy to let go... until you remember who you were leaving behind. I thought of Hitomi and Mom. I was the only one they had, and Mom wasn't going to live forever. I couldn't take it. But my arms and legs didn't work at all. I felt so helpless. The monster looked down at me, contempt smoldering in his gaze.

"This is what you get for helping people. Nothing. You pathetic little worm. I hope we die here, because it sure isn't worth the effort to try and live."

I shook my head softly and smiled.

"They're alive. That's what matters."

He snorted, scoffing at my supposed heroism.

"All you are is a martyr without a cause. That's all you will ever be."

His incorporeal form faded into snowflakes, and I felt my father's embrace as I floated toward a warmer place.

* * *

><p>Until I was ripped away, sitting up in my room. Ryou was slouched beside my bed, Hitomi sleeping in the chair next to her. Watching me was a blond haired man, his eyes fixated on my scars.<p>

"So you're the old friend who saved my girl, huh? It's nice to meet you. I'm Kappei Hiiragi."

I tried to get up, but a hand pushed me back down, belonging to an aged Misae. I hadn't noticed her on my right, with my mother and Kyou asleep by her side.

"You just can't keep out of trouble, can you?"

**Note: For those that are skeptical of some of the info, it has been shown that people can survive clinical death more if its cause is by hypothermia. After all, there's a saying: "Nobody is dead until they're warm and dead." Anyway, leave a review if you have the time. I could always use some suggestions to improve my writing.**


	9. Chapter 9

The doctor stepped inside the room, noting Shugosha's awakening.

"I want all visitors out. Now."

Misae and Kappei woke the others, and with fleeting glances, filed out. Dr. Yamimoto observed me for a few moments, and spoke.

"Here's what we're going to do. I will ask a question, and you will answer. If you want to ask your own, be my guest. First question: Why did you go out into that blizzard?"

I cast my gaze toward the ceiling, trying to keep from having to feel that piercing stare of his.

"I had to. If I didn't, no one would live through the night."

He gave me a terse smile, frustrated with my answer.

"But why you? Why didn't you try and stay warm inside? How come you are so intent on killing yourself, through these suicidal actions?"

"I don't have a future. My only purpose is to serve those who do."

The doctor was mildly surprised, and decided to switch tactics.

"Where's your father? Your mother was here, but not him."

I flinched, and looked away. Yamimoto saw every little detail.

"He's dead. He's been that way for a long time."

He pressed, trying to get to the root of the issue.

"How?"

I shook my head softly, mumbling.

"I... don't want to remember."

Dr. Yamimoto leaned forward, inches from my face.

"Shugosha, I need you to tell me. How did he die?"

I responded violently, smashing the desk beside me.

"I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER!"

He swiftly retreated, his eyes never leaving my face, that same damn complacent expression. He left the room, and almost instantly, a nurse appeared with a syringe in her small, delicate hand. I stood up, hands raised, my face broadcasting my rage.

"I want Ryou. Not you."

The nurse looked scared for her life, cowering from the massive patient, the sedative looking like a toothpick in comparison to the giant. She exited quickly, trembling all over. After a harried discussion in the hall, Ryou cautiously made her way inside, her hands behind her back.

"Shugosha... Maybe it would be best if you got some sleep, huh?"

A strange childlike quality seeped onto my voice.

"No. The pictures are inside my head. Now I can't sleep."

Her anxiety was on full display, and the sedative she was concealing behind her back didn't feel like it would be enough.

"Ryou, I trust you. I may not have been that close to you, but you guys treated me like a person, when I was beaten like an animal for such a long time. But please, don't do anything you would regret."

She took a deep breath, and started inching toward me, trying to reassure me that everything would be fine.

"Shugosha, I'm sorry we brought up bad memories. But please, let us do our jobs. Look, here."

She held out the syringe, looking me in the eye.

"If you can't go to sleep, I can inject you with this. Don't you want it?"

"No, I'm fine. I'll just stay awake, and the memories will go away. They have to. They always do. Just talk about something. Tell me what happened when I left."

Ryou set down the sedative on the now-battered desk, and fell into a chair, still tired from the entire day.

"Well, as you can see, I entered nursing school. Tomoya and Nagisa got married and had a daughter."

I couldn't keep from smiling at the news.

"I always knew those two would get together. It was pretty obvious almost from the get go."

Ryou seemed to relax a little bit, her guard starting to fall.

"I used to have a crush on Tomoya, you know. He was very cute. He still is, but I have someone now."

Awkward silence filled the room. I pulled at my bandages, trying to scratch at the itch underneath.

"I like Kotomi, or rather, I liked her. It's strange, I figured it out the day I left. Where is she now?"

Ryou played with her short hair, sighing.

"She left to study in America. She says she's very happy."

I became downcast, my small hope of happiness dashed.

"Yeah. She probably didn't like me anyway. Who could fall in love with a monster, both in personality and appearance?"

"Don't talk like that. You might have your faults, but at your core, you're not a bad person. You just have issues. Deep seated problems that we can fix. You just have to tell us, and we can star-"

I covered my ears, rocking back and forth, trying to make all the goddamn memories leave. That destroyed son, the dead father, the broken mother, and the silenced daughter. They all begged me to speak, but I shut the door, to my heart and mind, to keep me from hurting anymore. I snatched up the sleeping drug, and jabbed it into my thigh, pushing the plunger down. It took a few minutes to take affect, but I fell down, down, down into that cold winter night, five years ago.

* * *

><p>"What's wrong with your face?"<p>

I looked down to see a small boy, his face glistening with frost. I hunched over my fire, the fruit of my labor, and tried to ignore him.

"Hey! I said, what's wrong with your face?"

I backhanded him, knocking him to the ground.

"Fuck off, kid."

A pang of guilt shot through me, but I ignored it and tried to keep warm. The demon chuckled, delighting in my malice toward a small child. A hand tugged at my sleeve, and the little boy was still there, with not a single sign of anger towards my actions.

"I'm sorry if I offended you. Could I use your fire too?"

I shrugged, paying him no mind when he got close to stay warm. I kept glancing at him, wondering if he was homeless like me.

"Why aren't you with your parents?"

He kept warming his hands, intent on ignoring me. I shrugged, going back to the job at hand. But that kid, he kept showing up in my head. I reluctantly told him what happened to me.

"I got beat by my mother. That's why I have the scars."

The boy's face continued to show zero emotion, but he nodded, acknowledging what I said.

"My dad hits me, so I decided to run away."

I thought about this for a while, and the demon whispered in my ear, a suggestion that he had made before.

"You should kill the father. He's the exact same THING as Mother."

I dug my nails into my arm, squeezing hard, until rivulets of bloods dripped from my arms, and the whispering ceased. I did this all with an uncaring demeanor, treating it as what it was; A ritual that was repeated every two days or so. The boy's gaze flitted towards me, and went back to the flames.

"What's your name?"

"Shugosha. And you?"

"Satoshi."

I threw some of the wood I had collected inside the fire, reviving it from near death.

"So what's wrong with your dad? Is he a drunk, or a just a mean old bastard?"

Satoshi edged a little closer to the fire, trying to keep from being too cold.

"He drinks a lot. What about your dad?"

"My dad was... Well, he was a very interesting man. He had this protective personality, doing anything for us. I think he was a soldier, before, but he was never ok with what he did."

Satoshi looked a bit sad, so I quickly told him my own troubles.

"He died, and I had to live with an abusive mother."

My companion wrapped his arms around himself, and I finally noticed tears running down his cheeks.

"My dad is going to beat my mom again. I just know it. I have to get back."

He ran off into the dark, his little boots crunching through the snow. I sighed, killing the fire, and followed him. I don't know why, but I think, that night, there was another voice in my ear, one gentle and sweet, repeating the same thing over and over again.

"Take care of everyone."

* * *

><p>As we neared an apartment building, my breathing became labored, and I stopped, watching Satoshi head up the stairs.<p>

"Ah, staircase. My old nemesis."

After getting air back in my lung, I made my way after him, trying to keep a good pace. As I neared the third floor, I heard a woman crying, and a man yelling in anger. My blood started to boil, and the adrenaline pushed my weaknesses away, allowing me to sprint up the remaining distance. When I reached the door, I saw the scene for myself. A man, probably thirty years old, was standing over a woman who looked remarkably like Satoshi. She had bruising all over her, and her face was stained with pain. The man had Satoshi by his collar trying to hit him too, while the woman was trying to crawl away.

"You little bastard! You ran away, when you should of been here. I'm gonna beat some sense into you!"

All of this happened with me standing behind a partially closed door. I saw my mother beating Kotomi and me. All those times I couldn't stop her, all the countless times where I went to school with bruises, or a black eye, and the kids would laugh at me, calling me ugly. I reacted without thinking, booting the door open and storming in. Satoshi's father looked up at the giant that had broken in, fear not yet registering in his mind.

"Who the fuck are you?"

I finally gave into that bloodthirsty side of me, letting it run wild. My face broke out in an animalistic grin, the scars rippling into the monster's visage, and the man finally looked frightened, dropping his son.

"I'm the devil, and I'm here to send you to hell!"

I grabbed him by the throat and swung him against the wall, laughing maniacally. I dragged his whimpering form through the door, down the stairs, to a nice, dark little alley. There, I wrapped my hands around his throat, slamming his head against the floor. I felt something wet running down my face, but ignored it, as I kept up my work. After he stopped breathing, I took him back to his now free family, dropping his body on their floor. I took one of their lamps and whacked him on the head, not too hard, to make sure it was bloodied, and turned to his family, who were stunned by the whole procedure.

"I want you to tell the police that he was trying to kill the both of you, and you had to kill him in self-defense. You, the mother, tell them that he was trying to murder Satoshi and you had to step in and stop him. I have to go."

As I was about to take my leave, Satoshi asked one last question, his voice trembling like a leaf.

"Shugosha, why are you crying?"

I wiped my face off on my sleeve, and stumbled forward into the dark.

**Note: Sorry for the delay. I've been studying for exams. Leave a review if you want.**


	10. Chapter 10

Why don't you try writing about it, Shugosha? Some patients have had success with expressing their experiences through writing or drawing."

I sat in the hospital's garden, a place to help patients relax, according to Ryou. They had me on pills, a veritable drug cocktail to keep me nice and subdued. I heard Ryou arguing with the rest of the staff before, but I accepted my fate nonetheless. Ryou tapped my shoulder to get my attention, and I sluggishly turned my head to look at her.

"Listen, I have to take a break tonight, to see my fiancé. You know, Hiiragi? To make sure you have some company, Kyou is going to stay with you. To be honest, she wasn't exactly receptive of the idea, so you have to be on your best behavior."

I nodded, and the bright and shiny nurse in front of me gave me a small little hug, something to comfort me.

"Shugosha, you have to... You have to think about what you're doing to yourself. Please try and open up a little. If you wait too long, Dr. Yamimoto said that we might have to let you go to a place that isn't as nice as here. Somewhere that's "suited" for people like you. And they won't try and fix you, they'll just lock you up and throw away the key."

She let go and stood up, frustrated by my lack of reaction. Like a flower wilting, she succumbed to the despair of my situation, and walked away before it made her depressed. The nice little haze around my vision kept me from completely focusing on anything, so I sat there, staring up at the sky, drooling just a bit. The sun changed into the moon, and still I was out there, until I heard a familiar voice call out in the same brutish tone since high school.

"Hey, nut-job. You still on the meds?"

I looked way from the sky to see Kyou striding toward me, a not so pleasant look on her face.

"So my sister said I have to keep you company so you don't go insane. I tried to tell her that was sort of impossible, as it already happened, but here I am. So how's life?"

The haze has diminished and I found that I could actually listen to her, so I answered.

"My sister hates me, and most people think I'm in insane. I don't even know what my mother is like, right now."

She patted me on the shoulder, and mocked me with a smile.

"At least you're breathing. Or to be more specific, barely alive. Shugosha, you are, without a doubt, the most accident-prone person I've ever met. Seriously, how much punishment can you take?"

I chuckled, a bit happy that Kyou hadn't changed that much.

"I have no idea. If it weren't for the dead nerves and brain damage, I'd probably be in an extreme amount of pain right now."

Kyou sat down next to me on the bench, and for the first time, I noticed that time has taken its toll on her. There were large bags under her eyes, and she looked a bit stressed.

"So what do you do for a living, Kyou? Whatever it is, it must be horrible to make you look like that."

She punched me hard on the shoulder, grinning, but answered.

"I'm a kindergarten teacher. It's a stressful job, at times, but I love it."

"I would have never guessed. You don't strike me as a motherly type. You're more butch than that."

Kyou pounded me in the stomach, in real anger this time.

"You can be such an ass! Besides, you're one to talk. The crazy guy taking care of a little sister."

Despite being out of breath, I was more than happy to think about those memories. It was a little more simple back then.

"I did the best I could. And now she hates me. I wish I knew a way to make her happy. It's the only thing that drove me during high school, and now that that's gone, I have no purpose."

"Jeez, you always bum everyone out when they talk to you? Just do something to show her that she can trust you."

I thought about it, but rejected the idea.

"I have no clue what I could do to make that happen. I would most likely screw it up, anyway."

Kyou looked up at the stars, her eyes reflecting the light of a thousand suns.

"Hmm... Well, when you're not nuts anymore, and you promise me you'll be on your best behavior, you could help me with my class. My assistant quit some time ago, and I haven't found anyone to replace her. Do you think you're up to it?"

I shrugged, getting up on shaky legs to head back to my room.

"I guess I could try. You want to play Old Maid? I have a deck of cards in my room."

Kyou nodded, and followed me, eager to destroy me that night. By the time the two of us fell asleep, she had won six times over my measly two. Before I slipped into unconsciousness, Kyou said one final thing.

"Thank you for saving my sister. If you ever find yourself alone, I want you to know that you're like family to us, now, for what you did."

* * *

><p>"Dad!"<p>

My father walked toward me, happy to see me.

"Come here, Shugosha. You don't have to suffer anymore. Your job is done."

The car sped by, he vanished in a fog, thick and red. I fell back, stunned by what happened. Through the fog, reached two crimson clawed hands, one mangled and the other whole. They gripped the sides and pulled the rest of the body out, an enormous, bleeding carcass. The face was cracked and almost broken, yolk dripping from the sides. It dragged itself toward me, its bulk working against it. I stood up and tried running, but I tripped and slammed my face onto the black floor. I felt a hand grip my ankle, burning so much, and I looked back, to see the mutilated thing's eyes, blacker than the darkest night. It used it's other hand to work it's dangling jaw, and uttered the same thing that it did every time.

"You can't run from yourself."

* * *

><p>Ryou watched me closely, trying to determine what was wrong with me. I had woke up screaming that morning, my mental deterioration on full display to watch. Afterwards, Kyou left reluctantly, some of her worry slipping through her usual tough demeanor. I looked over at my friend, watched her avert her gaze, and made my decision.<p>

"I'll tell you what happened."

She was surprised, questioning if I was actually serious.

"Are you sure you want to do this? It will be extremely painful to go through these memories."

"No. I have to do this, to get better."

Ryou left to bring Dr. Yamimoto over, and they sat down in front of me, waiting for me to start. I took a deep breath, and dipped into my pool of memories, sifting for the one that I let sink to the very bottom.

"I was twelve. My mother, back then, was a fragile woman, and the only thing that held her together was my father. My dad said that we should take a walk and go to the park, but she said she would stay. So he took me and Kotomi, who was three at the time, out, and we started out to our destination."

The memory was getting darker, and I felt myself starting to tremble.

"We... We got to a crossing. The light was red and the road was empty, so we started walking to the other side. I remember looking up at my dad and smiling, and he smiled back at me, it was so nice that moment. And then... then..."

I was shaking uncontrollably, and gripping my chair like the world would go out from under me.

"There was a loud noise and he... he shoved me and Kotomi and got pushed down and-"

The words were rushing out of my mouth, and the pictures flashed through my head, those images branded onto my brain. My voice became high pitched and hysterical, as I rocked back and forth.

"There was so much blood, so much! And he didn't die, but his breathing was wrong, wrong. I remember running to him, crying out, Dad! And when I got there, he told me something."

I came to a complete halt, eyes wide open, knuckles white from gripping my chair.

"He said, son, I want you to promise me something. I looked into his eyes, felt his blood under my hands, heard his strange breathing, and I answered him back, listening to his every word. He was squeezing my hand so much, and told me to take care of everyone when he was gone. I wanted to tell him, you're not going to die, dad. But I knew, so all I responded with was, of course, Dad."

The memory was at its end, as I stared down through my mind's eye at the kid holding his dying father.

"After that he gripped my hand so tight, he was so scared. But he died, as the paramedics came."

I retreated back into my mind, and shutdown. Dr. Yamimoto tried to get me to speak, but Ryou pulled him back, knowing that I wouldn't talk anymore. The world became distant and cold, as I stayed awake that night, replaying it over and over again. My dad's smile haunted my thoughts, as I stared up at the ceiling, willing the world to go up in flames, and grant me peace.

* * *

><p>Ryou was also awake, speaking with her employer. The doctor drank from his coffee, looking worn down.<p>

"So it's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, isn't it? It all makes sense. The delusion of having no future, and the almost suicidal actions he takes."

Ryou yawned, as the night had been very tiring for the two of them. She raised a finger to interject her thoughts.

"But the problem isn't the PTSD, itself. It's how long he has had it. It's completely defined his personality. Plus, add on the child abuse, and the fact that we don't even know what happened in the seven years he was gone."

Yamimoto, shook his head, wondering what to do with the almost impossible case before him.

"Put him on a daily of collection of the usual meds. We'll see how it goes from there."

* * *

><p>A month passed, and my brain began to repair itself, replacing my anxiety with confidence. Kyou visited twice a week, and talked about her life, while I lived in a drug addled haze. They tried to get me to go to a psychologist, but I refused, so they let me be. Finally, I was cleared to leave my prison. Ryou was standing in front of me with few bottles in her hand, giving them to me.<p>

"Remember to take two of each every day. Also, don't strain yourself too much, OK?"

I looked down at my small friend, and smiled, giving her a hug for once.

"Thanks for everything. I wish you and your future husband the best."

I turned around, and as I was walked out, I thought about what I was about to face. Tomorrow was the first day to help Kyou around her school. My life can get better. I know it.

**Note: And with that, the second arc has ended. One more to go.**


	11. Chapter 11

**"Everything's fine today, that is our illusion."**

-Voltaire

I breathed out slowly, trying to clear my mind. Kyou tapped her foot impatiently, waiting for me to calm myself sufficiently.

"Are you sure about this, Kyou? This could get really bad."

She scoffed at my fear, and her determined eyes burned into my own.

"You got this. If I have to do it every day for five years, then you can do it for at least a day."

I inhaled one more time, taking in as much air as possible, and let it out as I entered the building, listening to the screams and laughter. I slid the door to face kids, playing and fighting with each other. Of course, it all fell silent as I stepped into the room, everyone staring up at the large disfigured adult. I forgot to breath, and as my head felt lighter, I exhaled, and sucked in air, scaring the kids with my rasping breathing. Kyou walked in, took one look around, and her face turned extremely kind, looking nothing like her usual self.

"Kids, this is Shugosha! He will be helping me around the classroom. Be sure to be nice to him, OK?"

One of the kids, a red haired little girl who looked very familiar, raised her hand.

"He looks scary."

Many of the children shouted their agreement, and some of the ones closest to me trying to edge away. Kyou beamed at the children and wagged her finger, disapproving of their words.

"Remember, you don't judge someone by their looks. Shugosha is a very nice man."

There it was, nice. I flinched, knowing full well I wasn't even close to that.

"If you don't believe me, let me tell you about the time he saved a whole hospital of people."

One girl jumped up and stood in front of me, pointing up at me in awe.

"So he's a superhero?"

I shook my head furiously, trying to stem her enthusiasm.

"I am NOT a superhero. Please, don't even say it."

It was too late. Her proclamation had the class crowding around me, asking me questions and tugging at my clothes. I shot a glare at Kyou, who was trying to keep herself from cracking up. One of the kids climbed up my back and sat on my shoulders, bouncing up and down, giggling with glee at how high she was. A voice rang out, that same red haired girl who looked so maddening familiar.

"What's wrong with your hand?"

I tried to tell her, but Kyou interrupted me.

"He hurt it when he was... trying to be nice to me."

After they had lost their energy, the class piled around me, all except for the girl that asked about my hand, who was still studying it intently, and the one who was still on my shoulders. She had fallen asleep there, and I could feel drool in my hair. Kyou helped me take her down, and I went to look for paper towels, so I could get rid of the drool. When I returned, I was surprised to see the class all watching Kyou intently, hanging on her every word. Finding myself staring for a bit too long, I started to pick up the scattered toys on the floor, and put them back in their places. I cleaned until recess, where the kids ran out to play. Kyou patted my shoulder, smirking at my tired expression.

"So how do you feel, Shugosha? Happy at being a superhero for a while?"

"Oh gee, I'm overjoyed."

Kyou, still mocking me, took note of my sarcasm and pushed me out the door.

"We both have to watch the kids. You take the right side, I take the left."

I sat down at the bench on my side of the recess area, and observed the children playing with a statue of a boar. Joy emanates from them, and I felt happy watching them. Until the statue started to move.

"Kids, look out!"

I sprinted up to the large beast, and wrestled it to the ground. What surprised me was, the way it reacted. It started crying, and an angry yell sounded from across the field.

"SHUGOSHA, LET HER GO!"

I looked up from the ground, watching Kyou storming toward me with a murderous look in her eye. I stop back up, righting the boar to a standing position. When Kyou reached where I was, I was met with a right hook to the face.

"Hey! I've lost enough brain cells in my lifetime, thank you."

"You hurt Botan! My pet boar!"

Oh crap. I apologized a hundred times as fast as possible, pleasing with Kyou that it was a mistake, as the bell rang.

"Ugh, it's time to go. You need to make this up somehow."

We went inside, and I frantically scoured my brain for options on how to make it better.

* * *

><p>As the girls got filed out the door to their homes, they each said goodbye. I was about to leave as well, until I noticed Kyou having a hard time with some of the parents. Kyou held up her hands, trying to calm them down.<p>

"He's not a bad guy. He's just a bit scary looking."

"Regardless, we do not want such a... man to take care of our daughter!"

It took me a moment to realize they were talking about me. I walked toward them, about to intervene, when a voice I hadn't heard in seven years answered for me.

"Are you people judging him on how he looks?"

I turned to see Tomoya and Nagisa, looking angry. One of the mothers, flustered by their input, tried to respond.

"It's not that, he's just-"

They were at a loss for words, and Kyou crossed her arms, a bit peeved as well.

"Shugosha is a better person than most. Thick headed as he is, he would protect these kids with his life, without much as a second thought."

Their daughter piped up, putting in her own thoughts.

"Shugosha is like a superhero. He saves people every day!"

Ugh, I can't believe that Kyou implanted that idea in their heads.

The couple looked down, disappointed in their actions. They thanked Kyou and left. I strolled up to Nagisa and Tomoya, ready for a barrage of insults, along the lines of 'nutjob' and the like. I didn't get any of that, but Tomoya looked firm when he spoke to me.

"I don't know if you're still crazy, but if Kyou vouched for you, then you're ok for now. But you better not even think of hurting Ushio..."

I nodded, reassuring him that I would never do such a thing. Nagisa smiled at me, making me feel better about my situation.

"It's really good to see you, Shugosha. We should all get together, soon."

"Yeah, that would be nice."

The silence hung between us, filled to the brim with tension. I realized I had nothing to talk about with them. No memories, or any happy thoughts. But one thing did cross my mind.

"Do you guys remember the drama club?"

"Of course."

"You guys don't know it, but it was like a home to me. You made me feel safe when I was… losing my balance. I just want to thank you for that time. I will always treasure it."

They were taken aback by what I what I said, and were speechless. Their daughter, Ushio tugged at Tomoya's arm.

"Daddy, can we get ice cream?"

"Sure sweetie. We can have anything you want. I waved at them as they departed, and it hit me. That girl who looked so maddeningly familiar was almost the split image of Nagisa. I trudged back to my employer, and noticed she was still watching Tomoya. I knew that look.

"Don't do that to yourself."

She snapped out of her trance, giving me a venomous glance.

"What look?"

"Don't do that to yourself, Kyou. You're only causing yourself pain. You have to let him go."

"Shut up. What are you going to do to make up for this afternoon, huh?"

I dredged up the suggestion that was at the very bottom of the pile.

"How about we go out for drinks? I'm buying."

"Fine."

* * *

><p>A couple hours later, we were in a bar, surrounded by empty glasses. A semi coherent Kyou started ranting, as I downed more sake.<p>

"How can you drink so mush?"

"I don't get drunk easily. It's very difficult."

She snorted, playing with her glass.

"You're so weird, you know that? With the freak outs and the nightmares and the screaming, it's a wonder that you're able to keep going."

"It's a wonder _you're_ still able to keep going. I didn't think you were such a heavy drinker."

She was starting to drink too much, and I wondered why she could possibly be trying for alcohol poisoning.

"Are you frustrated about Tomoya, Kyou?"

She took a swing at me, a pathetic blow, and settled down.

"You have no bishness talking about my love life. What 'bout you? Why haven't you found a girl?"

"Kyou, look at me, and you'll have the answer to your question."

She stared hard at my face, her muddled neurons sparking to make the connection. She waved me off, going back to her alcohol.

"I don't see it."

In spite of her condition, I felt something. A warm little spot in my chest. Probably the booze. Kyou fell asleep on the table, drooling on the counter. I started to shake her, trying to keep her awake.

"Kyou? Wake up! I don't want to have to take you home."

She was out like a light. The bartender gave me a sympathetic look, and then a double take.

"Did you go to Hikarizaka Private High School?"

I nodded, asking why she wanted to know.

"I'm Yukine Miyazawa. I went there, and I know your comatose friend. Plus, it was sort of heard to not hear rumors about the boy with scars."

"What did you hear?"

"That you attacked a couple a students and ran away."

I winced, looking down into my glass, trying to cover up my shame.

"I also heard that you had a crappy home life."

"Yeah, well, there's nothing to excuse my actions."

She patted me on the back, something that no one had really done in a long time.

"After working here, I can tell how a lot of people are, just by seeing how they carry there self. Some drifters running away from their troubles, others trying to drown themselves in a bottle. But you're different. You carry all the pain inside, putting that in a bottle. It's written on your face."

I averted my gaze when she tried to look me in the eye, putting on the façade.

"You don't know anything about my life. I prefer you keep it that way."

Yukine stood there, her eyes scanning me for all my flaws. She took out a bottle and poured a drink, sliding it to me.

"On the house."

I thanked her and took a swig. The burning sensation was nice and hot as the drink went down my throat. It was a drink I never had before.

"What it this?"

"It's absinthe. We usually reserve it for high paying customers, but you look like you might need it."

"Why are you doing this for me? I was just rude to you."

She sighed, and her face set into an expression that looked like it had been worn for a long time.

"I've taken care of people running away. Delinquents, people normally shunned by society. Boys and girls, who, despite their differences, are just normal human beings. Like you. "

I looked hard into her eyes, seeing warmth that most would have lost by now. I slid my drink to her, smiling up at her.

"Have some. You should feel good once in a while too."

She looked nervous, glancing around her for anyone watching.

"I can't, I'm the bartender. It would be bad of me to drink my own product without paying."

"You deserve more than I do, Ms. Miyazawa."

She let out a curt laugh, and drank some. Reeling away from it, she took a step backward, using the counter for balance.

"You're a lightweight, Yukine."

"No, that drink is just very strong. It's weird that you weren't affected."

"Yukine, I have been frozen, beat, stabbed, and dead. Alcohol does not affect me as much as the constant pain. Just dulls it."

"Well, you've certainly earned your drink, then."

I got to my feet, putting my money down.

"It was nice talking with you, Yukine. I might come down here again."

"You do that. I never caught your name, by the way."

"It's Shugosha Miyano. Have a good night."

After calling Ryou for the address to Kyou's home, I put Kyou in my arms and walked out the door.

* * *

><p>The cold winds battered my body, but at this point the cold didn't bother me. I focused on keeping the body in my arms as warm as possible. I found myself thinking of Kyou, and my memories with her, few as they are.<p>

"You're always so aggressive, it's a wonder you're a kindergarten teacher."

I adjusted my arms, making it more comfortable for her.

"But you certainly are very kind, Kyou. Even I you don't show it in the conventional sense."

She stirred, and more drool fell on my coat. I frowned, but really, I didn't care much. After crossing the street, I peered up at an apartment building, and realized her's was on the eighth floor.

"Fuck."

After four flights of stairs, I let her down gently and collapsed on the floor, gasping for breath. My lung had strengthened to compensate for being the only one over the years. Back in high school, I probably would have blacked out from lack of air on the second floor.

"Damn Kyou, you should really learn how to hold your liquor."

I swept her up in my arms, and continued up the stairs. Getting to her door, I forgot I didn't have any keys. Great, now I have to search her. I gently went through her coat pockets, which were empty.

"Damn it."

Carefully, I slipped my hand into her left pocket, feeling her keychain, and quickly snatched them up. Fumbling, it took me fifteen minutes to find the right key. Her apartment was spacious, and furnished nicely. Botan slept in the living room, her deep slumber not to be disturbed by my clumsiness. I reached her bedroom, tired and out of breath.

"Time for beddy bye, Kyou."

After I tucked her into the futon, I fell onto a wall, sliding down. My own mind was succumbing to chemical influence, and my eyelids drooped, as I fought to stay awake just a little longer. It was no use, and the black overtook me.

Note: Sorry for the long absence. I've been recovering from a surgery and celebrating the holidays. I wish you all a belated Christmas.


	12. Chapter 12

**"It requires more courage to suffer than to die."**

-Napoleon Bonaparte

I turned on my side, opening my eyes to look at the groggy, hung over woman in front of me. I groaned and rolled back over, taking some of the blanket with me. I stayed like this for about five minutes until my brain made the connection. I sat up quickly, alarmed out of my wits.

"Holy shit!"

Kyou must've been waking up, too, because she also shot out of the futon, completely horrified.

"Did we- Did we DO it?"

I struggled to recall what had happened the night before, but it was all just a drunken haze. Kyou started to freak out, and then directed her anger at me.

"YOU!"

She had the most frightening look on her eye as she crept toward me.

"Out of everyone in the world, my first time was with you?"

She suddenly stopped, and ripped off the blanket to her futon, looking for something. Apparently she found it, as she breathed out a sigh of relief. I started inching toward the door, hoping she wouldn't notice.

"Now I'm going to rip open your head and tear out the memory of this morning."

I was trying to sprint out of the apartment by the time she finished her sentence, as a large teaching manual flew by, narrowly missing my head. I almost made it past the door, until I ran into Botan. Stumbling, I fell on my face, and the giant boar sat on my back, trapping me.

"No! Please, Botan, have mercy on my poor soul."

He oinked in defiance, and I awaited my demise, just as my executioner stomped down the hallway.

"I'm going to take this nice and slow."

* * *

><p>I slumped at the table, covered in cuts and bruises. My attacker sat across from me, looking embarrassed.<p>

"I'm sorry I got carried away. I can't help myself sometimes."

I nodded, too afraid to speak. Kyou simply giggled, placing a drink in front of me. I looked down at the drink, a part of my brain whispering, it's a trap. I had a vision of an octopus as well. Weird.

"Go on, take a sip. It's not poisoned or anything."

With mock caution, I took a small gulp. It was surprisingly good, and I drank it down quickly. Kyou set down a bento in front of me, eagerly watching my reactions.

"Eat this. I made it extra special."

What was going on with Kyou? While I scarfed down the food, which was delicious, I checked for signs of insanity. She seemed ok, but there was that strange, nice, smile that was plastered on her face.

"Kyou, what's this all about?"

"I need to check if my cooking is up to par for a little get-together we're having for Christmas."

It made sense, and it did beat the idea of Kyou going crazy.

"You don't have to worry. This is amazing."

Kyou didn't respond, as she went to reading a book about child care. I was about to ask for more, until the voice started.

"I'm baaaaack. Did you miss me?"

I froze, my eyes flitting from Kyou to the door. My demon appeared in front of my only exit, wagging his finger.

"No no no. I'm not going to let you take those blasted pills that easily. We're going to have some fun, first."

He vanished with a low chuckle, and I realized I was trembling. Kyou looked up from her book with concern.

"Are you ok?"

I didn't look her in the eye, afraid of giving away my distress.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just need to go."

I got up, trying to get out before anything bad happened. Kyou stopped me, blocking my way out with hands on her hips and a stern disposition.

"Where do you have to go to in such a hurry?"

I couldn't tell her that my mind was starting to slip. I decided to go on the defensive.

"Why do you care? Do you want me to stay?"

Clearly startled, Kyou stuttered in her response, taken aback by the question.

"It gets lonely, by myself. Everyone we know has grown up, Shugosha. Nagisa and Tomoya have made a family, and Ryou is starting one as well. I don't have anyone, and I like the company I get."

I felt a bit bad for her, as I knew exactly how she felt. But I had to get back to my "home", at least to take my medicine. Without it, I would become more violent than ever.

"Please, Kyou. I have something important that I have to attend to."

She looked so disappointed at that moment, I couldn't help what I said next.

"Let me do this, and I'll take you to that carnival that's coming to town the day after tomorrow."

Her dejected expression changed into one mixed with disgust and curiosity.

"You mean like a date? I'm sorry Shugosha, but I don't feel-"

"No, as friends. Most people would think going alone is weird."

Frustrated, she threw her hands up, taking the offer.

"Fine, but you better not be lying about this."

I staggered out onto the street, and noticed my grip on reality was disappearing at an alarming rate. I started seeing the people who I'd met over the years, grim and angry, each of them. My demon showed up, filled with glee at my discomfort.

"Look upon the victims of your deeds, Shugosha, and take responsibility. You're not running away."

"Shut up!"

I twisted my fingers back far enough to feel white hot pain, but he remained there, triumphant.

"Aw, you can't hurt yourself to get rid of me anymore. Guess you just have to, you know, face me like a man."

I ran away from the apparitions, stumbled, and fell. Clutching my knee for a brief moment, I got up and hobbled as fast as possible, running way from the phantoms of my past. I turned the corner, almost to the abandoned house that held my things, and my pursuer grabbed me around the throat, peering into my eyes with hatred.

"You're such a fucking coward. All you do is hide, instead of confronting your mistakes. Be a man, and accept what you have done!"

"No... I can't. I'm too ashamed. I wish I could forget it all, instead."

He grinned, happy to hear what I said.

"I was hoping for that. I think I'm going to take a break and let someone else do this. Remember Mizuki?"

He vanished, leaving a small girl, in a wheel chair.

"Hi Shugosha."

My eyes widened, and I clutched my head, that awful memory attacking my mind.

"No! Please, leave me alone."

I fell on my knees, howling.

"Shugosha!"

* * *

><p>Kyou noticed how strange Shugosha was acting, and followed him, being as quiet as possible. She watched him start sprinting like a maniac, and stop at a corner, choking himself while yelling at some hallucination. When he finally went down on his knees, she couldn't bear to watch and ran forward, grabbing him and keeping him from hurting himself.<p>

"Stop it, Shugosha!"

"No! I have to die... I have to pay for what I did! Every single little thing."

Kyou wrapped her arms around his, and stopped him from scratching his face bloody. It took him fifteen minutes to settle down, but he finally did, breathing heavily with a couple of small, deep cuts in his face, ones that would undoubtedly turn into more scars.

"Where is your medication, Shugosha?"

He pointed at the ramshackle house in front of them, not looking up from the ground.

"Shugosha, get up. I'm not going to leave you here to cut more gaping wounds into your face."

He shakily got up, leaning on Kyou, continuing to stare at the ground. Kyou, extremely worried, dragged her extremely large friend over to the house, asking for directions from time to time. She found a bag of things behind a burnt chair in the living room, and quickly rummaged for the pills that helped bring Shugosha back to sanity.

"Here, take this."

He didn't respond, his eyes glazed and far away. She forced the pills into his mouth and helped him swallow, leading him back to her apartment. It was her turn to tuck him in into one of her spare futons. What he slipped into wasn't sleep, but he did fall into a trance, staring through the ceiling to somewhere beyond it. Kyou watched him until he finally relented, and sighed, exasperated. She was already tired from all of this, but she made her decision.

"I'm going to help you get better, Shugosha. I'm not going to let you break apart."

Trapped in his own mind, he would be shattered eventually without anyone to hold him together. Kyou pondered whether she really did feel more than friendship for Shugosha. Was it... love?

Note: Intense stuff. Hopefully the update will be earlier next time, and way more lengthier, seeing as this one was one of the smallest of all my chapters.


	13. Chapter 13

**"There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were. "**

-Dwight D. Eisenhower

Fevered dreams were what encompassed my fragile mind. Flickers of fire and death dominated my vision, causing me to flinch and hide, until I realized: they were all signs of that beast inside of me. The thing that reveled in violence and pain, that grew up on the rage that I spoon-fed it since the night I lost my face. Or gained it. I can't remember what I look like, so I consider the collection of scar tissue to be me. The monster, destined to destroy itself and the people around it.

I woke up to an empty room, realizing that it was Kyou's home. How did I get back here? When I sifted through my memories, it came back, and I remembered. I looked around me, searching for Mizuki. I was afraid to confront her, after what I had done. I took a guilty comfort in the fact that the memory suppressants were working. I got up, testing my legs for some reason, and recalled my messed up knee. It seemed fine, but as I took a step forward, I almost fell flat on my face. Taking a deep breath, I hobbled over to the kitchen, trying to find water. I found a note instead.

Shugosha,

I had to go to work, and seeing as you're in no condition to go, I left you to sleep. Your pills are on top of the fridge, and I left a bento inside for when you're hungry. You're not allowed to leave. I have to talk to you tonight.

Kyou

Sighing, I turned to the refrigerator and took out the meal. It was delicious, as expected of the brilliant cook. Stay inside? That sounds very boring. I wondered what I could do for a day, and started wandering through the apartment, taking notams how messy it was.

"Kyou, you may be good at cooking, but you suck at cleaning."

I decide to clean it for her, taking quite a long time to do so. While I was fixing her bookshelf, a photo caught my eye. Kyou, selling dango. There was a faint flutter of recognition, but I set the thought aside and straightened out the shelf. After the apartment went from messy to immaculate, I fell into a chair, a bit tired from everything. Time had flown by, and it was already night, the moon round and full. Keys jangled outside the door, and Kyou appeared in the doorway, followed by Botan, and was shocked when she looked inside.

"Did you clean my apartment?"

I nodded, pleased with the happiness she was trying to hide.

"It's a little creepy, but thank you."

She turned to one of the chairs across from me and sat down.

"Listen, Shugosha. You've been my friend for a long time. We may have had problems, but you always said sorry in your own way."

I was puzzled by this, but my right hand quickly reminded me of what she meant.

"You saved my sister and a lot of people, so I've decided to help you get better."

"But I'm fine. I just need to take those pills."

Kyou snapped, yelling at me with the anger and frustration she had bottled up for so long.

"You're not fine! Of everyone I know, you're the one in the most pain! You just can't see it because you're being stupid!"

"Kyou, it's ok! Just calm down-"

"No!"

She was starting to cry, something I had never seen Kyou do.

"You're so messed up. You hurt your hand because of me. And you were screaming yesterday that you should die, that you don't deserve to live. Don't you understand? Out of all of us, you're the one that earned the right to a good life through all the suffering."

I was silent, listening to it all. Kyou quickly composed herself, wiping the tears away quickly.

"You don't have a home, so you're staying here until we can get you an apartment."

I opened my mouth to protest, but swiftly closed it, knowing the futility of trying to argue. Before she left to her room, Kyou had one more piece of news to share.

"Hitomi is willing to talk. You should give her a call. Her number is beside the phone."

Shuffling away, I listened to the door slide open, and then closed.

I limped to the phone, but before I could pick up, I got scared. It's been such a long time, and I didn't know what to say. What would she say? Despite my fear, I picked up the phone and started dialing, slowly and deliberately. On the other side, it was ringing, and I heard a voice, soft and gentle.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Hitomi."

Silence, Hitomi surprised by the call coming so soon.

"Hey."

It was awkward and painful, the distance between us. I felt sad more than anything.

"How's school?"

"It's ok. I'm at the top of the class."

I felt proud of her, but I stayed my emotion.

"With all that reading, I would have expected that to happen."

"Yeah, well, Kotomi is helping me through email."

"That's good. Remember when I said I would take you to the bookstore?"

"The day you left?"

Ouch, that was a bad topic to bring up.

"Could I maybe finally make good on that promise? Next week?"

"I don't know, Shugosha. It would bring too many bad memo-"

"Hitomi, I'm sorry. For everything I did to you. But please, give me a chance. I'm just a beaten and tired man trying to get back the best thing that he had."

She didn't respond, thinking it over. The quiet stretched on, until a single word

"Ok."

* * *

><p>The night bled into the morning, and I went to work. I didn't think of it as work, though. A week had passed since that eventful day, and I found myself starting to like the kids. Every time, they wanted me to wrestle with Botan in one of their silly games, however, a part of me hung back. I would think of Mizuki, and not let myself get attached. Ever since she showed up, I couldn't stop myself from thinking of her. I still had nightmares, before I started taking the medicine. But no matter what, the memory of meeting her was as clear as day.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Five years ago<em>

"Leave me alone!"

I was slouched against a wall in an alley, almost withered away to nothing. I was able to drink some of the water from rain, but I hadn't had food in four days. The voice called out again, angry at a tormentor. It was a little girl, fighting against someone who was laughing at her. I pressed my back against the wall and used it to help me stand, as I was very weak. I turned, slowly walking forward, careful to not fall. The girl came into view, a seven year old in a wheelchair, and an older boy raising her chair in a wheelie.

"I said, leave me alone!"

"But it's so fun, Mizuki!"

I had to step in. She was helpless, after all.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing?"

My voice came out rough and guttural, and I regretted my decision to yell when I went into a severe coughing fit from the dryness of my throat. The boy got the hint, running away from the large, scary hobo man. The girl remained, curious of the stranger in front of her.

"Thank you for helping me, mister."

I waved her off, wrestling for control over my diaphragm. She came closer, with an air of curiosity.

"My name is Mizuki Chihara. What's yours?"

I shook my head, leaning against the wall, and then changed my mind.

"Shugosha."

"You don't have a last name, Shugosha?"

This girl, Mizuki, was very persistent. She didn't know how when to leave things alone. I sighed, answering her.

"I used to. But not anymore."

Mizuki seemed genuinely upset for me, but she perked up almost immediately.

"You can have mine! Your new name is Shugosha Chihara."

Her smile lit up her face, making her look like the happiest kid in the world. An idea crossed her mind, and she bounced in her seat.

"You look hungry. Would you like something to eat?"

I gave her a quizzical look, wondering why she would want to help a guy like me.

"Please, let me give you this."

What a strange little girl. She held up her hand, expecting me to take it.

"I don't need any food, girl. I'm fine."

I turned away, and felt a tug on my right sleeve.

"But you're like me."

She raised a blanket that was draped around her legs, and revealed a pair of disfigured, scarred legs. She repeated it again, looking me in the eye.

"You're like me."

She slipped her fingers in between my own wrecked hand, and pulled me forward, leading me into a world that I came to love and eventually, shun.

* * *

><p>"Shugosha!"<p>

I snapped out of my trance, noticing Kyou calling me at the door. I strolled over, trying to keep off my knee.

"You've been zoning out all day. What's the matter?"

"I just need to take my meds. I'll be fine.

She held up her hand, wincing at 'fine'

"Don't say that word, please."

I found myself craving the drug, like I have been doing for weeks now. Ever since I got on it, I began depending on it, almost to the point that I felt I needed it to live. I was constantly tormented by my own thoughts, wishing to get off the medicine. But then I remembered what was waiting, and let go of the desires. Deep in thought, I failed to notice the book hurtling toward my head.

"Ow! God damn it!"

"That's for ignoring me. Now come on, let's go."

Kyou was tapping her foot angrily, expecting me to go somewhere. We were back home, somehow. I was probably on auto pilot, following Kyou while I retreated into my mind.

"Where?"

"I told you, the Christmas celebration! Were you even listening at all?"

Oh, that. I was a bit disorientated from the whole day. I followed her out, mentally preparing myself for meeting everybody again. The night air was brisk, nice and cold. As we pulled up to the Okazaki home, I felt... afraid. I didn't know how they would react to the crazy guy on pills. What if they reject me? Before I could panic any further, I spotted someone I hadn't seen in quite a while. A shapely woman in a kimono, with ornaments in her blue hair.

"Kotomi?"

She turned, momentarily confused by the beard and long hair, but as soon as she saw the telltale slashes across my face, she broke out into a smile.

"Shugosha!"

She ran up to hug me, almost tackling me in the process. I was surprised at the sheer glee she exhibited, which then disappeared almost as fast as it appeared.

"Where did you go? You left one day, and never came back."

Her face went from happy to partially distraught, as if she was fighting to control her emotions. I felt a pang of guilt at the look on my dear friend's face, but it was buried by the apathetic haze of benzodiazepines.

"I had to go away to protect you guys. I have something inside me, Kotomi. Something horrible."

"Then it's not you. Your problem is that you confuse your issues with your actual self."

I was taken aback, but again, I was still dulled. Kotomi pouted, mad with my lack of emotion.

"Come on. Everybody is waiting inside."

Kyou followed behind, a strange look on her face, unreadable. I stopped before I got to a door, taking a deep breath. I was honestly frightened to go in. I expected screams of terror, coupled with pitchforks and torches. Then I'd roar as the villagers ripped me apart while I-

"Let's go, Shugosha."

Kotomi shoved me inside, my petrified legs finally moving ever so slightly. Youhei, the Okazaki family, Ryou, and her fiancé all stared at me, my fear all too obvious on my face. I tried to run away and hide, but Kotomi and Kyou blocked my exit, both looking excited and mischievous respectively. I cleared my throat, trying to get rid of the dryness. That was the moment that Ushio flew from nowhere, climbing up my back and sitting on my shoulders.

"I'm the tallest in the world!"

Everyone cracked up, the tension breaking apart immediately. Ushio continued to tug at my hair, oblivious to just how much she saved me right then and there.

Note: Yay, a longer chapter. I liked writing this one, as it allowed me to reach into my future plot diagram and set up the story even more for the finale. No, the next chapter is not the last, but the end does draw near.


	14. Chapter 14

**"Nothing is more wretched than the mind of a man conscious of guilt."**

-Plautus

I sat back, watching my friends get drunk. Well, at least most of them. Tomoya was one of them, calling out to me in slurred speech.

"Hey, Shugosha. Get over here."

I made my way to him and the rest of the group, who were each a little tipsy with the exception of Nagisa.

"Have some. It'll make you feel better.

He shoved a small glass in front of my face, his depth perception impaired enough to hit me on accident. I took it without hesitation, quickly drinking it down. This time the alcohol took effect faster than my time with Kyou, hitting me hard. I rocked back, feeling my inhibitions fall out of place.

"Youhei, how's work?"

He laughed, recalling his job.

"It's interesting. Some of the people I've met are pretty cool. They tell me their stories, and it keeps me entertained."

He began to recount the tale of a former actor, who ended up crying about his lost fame, and ended up doing some terrible acting just to show off. It had us hysterical, laughing hard enough to almost bring tears to put eyes. After we calmed down, I questioned the happy couple beside me about their lives.

"How are you guys doing?"

Kappei spoke for the two of them.

"We're getting married in January, and we have a little bit of news to announce. Ryou, do you want to tell them?"

Ryou looked filled with joy when she said her piece.

"Well, we went to the doctor, a week ago, and he told me I was pregnant!"

I congratulated them, as did everyone else. They looked so happy.

"So tell us, Shugosha; what did you do while you were gone?"

I scratched my head, trying to find a way to explain.

"Well, I was homeless and poor for the most part."

Youhei spoke up, adding in his input.

"Hey, I have to live in my cab sometimes. So don't worry, I know what you mean."

I smiled, thankful for the small help.

"Hmm... I also had some issues over the years, but there was one good thing. I found this little girl, who took me in. Her mom was single because her husband had run away, and it was a strange experience."

Ushio, who was listening to my story, asked her question while still perched atop my shoulders.

"What was her name?"

"Mizuki. She was... I cared about her a lot."

"So what happened?"

A roar resounded in my ears, followed by screeching. Flickering light. The pain on my back, coupled with the agony in my heart.

"Shugosha?"

Kyou tapped my shoulder, and I looked up, broken out of my dream.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I just remembered something. Anyway, Ushio, I had to leave her. Sometimes you have to leave the people you love."

"Coward."

Tomoya glared at me, intoxicated and angry. Nagisa tugged at his arm, trying to stop him.

"You run away from everything. When the going get tough, you get going. Running as fast as you can."

"Tomoya!"

Nagisa gave him a small shove, frustrated with her husband.

"No, you ran when you almost hurt Tomoyo. You ran away from your family, who needed you there for them. And now you abandoned this little girl."

Speechless, I looked down in shame. An awkward feeling had overtaken the group, with the exception with Tomoya, who was enraged, and his indignant wife.

"You're right."

The look on Tomoya's face was one of confusion.

"I run away from all my problems. I leave everyone to suffer."

I smiled, thinking of the girl that had brightened my life, and lifted my drink to my mouth, determined to get drunk enough to stop feeling, at least for a little while.

"But you can't run away from the dead, Tomoya. They'll always stay with you, and no matter what you do, they'll never be alive again."

There was a sharp intake of breath, and he slipped on his words, trying to get the right ones out.

"Shugosha, I- I'm-"

I stood up, gently setting Ushio on the ground.

"I need to go for a walk. I'll be back, so don't be so sad. It is Christmas, after all."

Without glancing at the expressions of my friends, I strode out, embracing the winter air.

I heard footsteps behind me, and I looked to see Kotomi.

"Oh. Hi."

"You mind if I walk with you?"

"I don't care."

It was quiet, with the exception of the snow crunching. I noticed Kotomi was in nothing but a kimono, probably since she's been in America for quite some time, and wanted to make up for it. She must've been freezing. I took off my coat, draping it around her shoulders.

"Won't you be cold?"

"No. It doesn't bother me that much. I'll be fine."

Still preoccupied for my safety, she let it go.

"So what's America like?"

"Strange. Some people there are very physical in their affection. I have a coworker who gives hugs to me and everyone else. She's very nice."

I didn't know how to communicate. It felt like all knowledge had disappeared from my mind, I was so nervous.

Wait, nervous? That meant-

"Stop taking those damn pills!"

He was behind me, gripping my throat and whispering in my ear.

"Shugosha, listen to me for once. They're making me you forget, and slowly destroying you."

I gripped the arm choking me, hissing back.

"I want to forget. It's the only way I can live normally."

"You'll forget Mizuki as well. When was her birthday?"

I paused, searching through my head, but I didn't know.

"Its going to get worse. Besides, you must confront your past. It's the only way."

With that, my demon let go, and vanished. A distraught Kotomi was in front of me, searching for whatever afflicted me.

"Shugosha, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. It's just nothing."

I got up from the kneeling position I had taken, and looked down at my hands, which were clamped around my throat just seconds ago.

"Kotomi, don't tell anyone about this. You can't. I'm begging you."

"Then tell me what you're hiding."

"I can't."

She turned away, her body language unreadable. After what seemed like hours, she started walking.

"We have to get back."

"Are you going to tell anyone?"

She didn't respond, continuing to walk with my coat trailing around her like a cloak. I ran up, grabbing her arm, none too gently

"You can't say anything! If you do, I'll never forgive you."

She whipped around to look me in the eye, her face so wrathful. It was the first time I'd seen Kotomi angry.

"I want that to be the last time I watch my friend try and choke himself. I want to see him smiling, happy about his life. You promise me that, and I'll keep your secret."

I swallowed my pride and honesty, and agreed. After that, we walked back to the party in complete silence.

* * *

><p>The situation had brightened up somewhat, with Youhei bringing out a karaoke machine. It could be heard from outside, on the street, but everyone seemed sort of happy. At least, until we got back. The air went sour, and Ryou stopped in the middle of her song. So I did what anyone should have done. I grabbed the microphone and finished it for her. I am not a good singer, never have been, never will. But when I started crooning to the theme song of some anime, everyone cracked up at my terrible ability, and the lyrics about magical girls and love. After I stopped, we took turns, and the night became happy again. They felt like my family. Two hours later, we were getting ready to call it a night. Besides, I was sure I was about to lapse into a coma from alcohol poisoning. Tomoya came up to me as I was leaving, pity and frustration evident. He opened his mouth to say something, but I shook my head.<p>

"It's ok, Tomoya. We all act like assholes when it comes to booze."

He closed it, looking embarrassed. I said my goodbyes, and left with Kyou. She was even worse than me, hanging onto my arm to keep from falling on her face.

"That wash some party, huh?"

"Yeah, it was."

She tripped her feet dragging behind her as I held her up.

"Are you even able to walk, Kyou?"

"Of course I am. Watsh!"

She took a few steps forward on her own, and went down, almost completely had I not snatched her up before she hurt herself.

"You're too tall, Shugosha. Itsh a little scary. But ish ok, you look handsome, so that makesh up for it."

"Damn, you're pretty drunk, Kyou. This is the most plastered you've ever been. At least, to say that, you gotta be pretty bad."

As we crossed the street, I started having the hallucinations in the middle of the road.

Monster...

I looked around frantically, trying to stay calm. Kyou, even in her semi brain-dead state, could feel the fear emanating from Shugosha. I felt a hand slip into my right, comforting me. Kyou, her muddled eyes looking into mine with a strange intensity, was with me. I was not alone. I went forward, past my ghosts.

_Guilty._

_You let us die._

_You should die._

_Die._

_Die._

_DIE!_

I whimpered, clutching at Kyou's hand. Even in her state, she was my anchor, what held me together.

"Shugosha?"

Forcing myself to wrench my eyes from the apparitions, I turned to Kyou.

"Yeah?"

She hooked an arm around my neck, bringing me down to her height. My own drug addled mind made no notion to stop her, as she pushed her lips onto mine. They tasted of love and sake, incredibly soft. All of the world vanished, there was nothing but this moment. I let myself go for a bit, leaning into the kiss. I could stay like this forever... Then that night of pain resurfaced in my mind, and I pushed her away.

"No. You need to find someone better."

I dragged her ahead, and suddenly, her confusion turned to rage.

"You're blowing me off?"

"No, I just don't deserve you. I'm not good enough. Please, Kyou, come with me so we can get home."

"I don't want to go anywhere with you!"

She took off, running down the street, definitely more sober than before. I sprinted after her, barely keeping pace. She stumbled, going facedown into the road.

"KYOU!"

A car was hurtling toward her, blind in the night with the exception of its lights. There was no time. All of it happened so fast. I reached her, swept her up and threw her to the right of the road, just in time as I felt something crash into me, a crunch on impact. I flew backward, landing in the snow, sprawled out, broken inside.

"D..ad?"

I saw my father's phantom, hovering over me. Such a sad expression on his face. I heard the driver's door slam, and the crunch of Kyou's boots as she got back up.

"NO!"

She fell onto me, crying into my coat, tears mixing with blood.

"No, please don't-"

I heard the driver call an ambulance, his words far away and meaningless. The woman that loved me was breaking down on my shattered form. The driver ran up, going into a crouch, pushing Kyou off.

"It's going to be ok. You're going to be fine."

I laughed, coughing up more blood. The act scared the driver, who went on trying to reassure me that I wouldn't die. Kyou still sobbed, gripping my hand hard.

"Why did you go after me? Why?"

"Be..cause.. you'd.. get.. hurt."

The driver stopped me, telling me to not talk. I heard a siren in the distance, its wails ripping through the quiet night. I felt so cold, so tired. I smiled up at the silent stars, and surrendered to the hands pulling at my soul.

* * *

><p>And woke up in my futon, gasping for breath.<p>

"I'm alive?"

I checked myself for wounds, but there was nothing. I ran out of my room, into Kyou's, vigorously shaking her awake.

"Kyou! What happened tonight?"

She punched me, the force throwing me off.

"Why would you wake me up at this time?"

"What happened? It's important, Kyou."

She scratched her head, obviously very drowsy.

"We went to the party, left, then I-"

She made a strange sound, blushing.

"A-After that, we got home."

I was too busy trying to get at the black haze that my mind was to ask why she was nervous.

"What the hell?"

I stormed out, going into the kitchen to pace.

"Why can't I remember?"

That's the moment Mizuki appeared, gleefully laughing at my confusion.

"You died, silly!"


	15. Chapter 15

Note: I'm sorry I haven't updated in a VERY long time. I sort of fell into a depression, and hit a gigantic writer's block wall. Life just sort of pounded at me relentlessly. But Air1997's review reminded me that I had a story to finish. Now brace yourselves; this is the beginning of the end.

**"Call no man happy till he is dead."**

-Aeschylus

"You died, Shugosha. In the same manner as your father, no less."

The revelation hit me like a train, sending me reeling.

"But how am I alive?"

Mitsuki giggled, taking delight in my confusion.

"We won't let you die. You're a strange one, Shugosha. Selfless to a fault, but only because you have no regard for your life. Despite what you believe, the people you've helped vastly outweighs the people you hurt. Many of the dead do not believe you deserved last night's fate, for the previous reasons, and the fact you weren't supposed to die that night. So we intervened, and now, we have come to a decision."

She jumped onto my chest, her face shifting into a fusion of all my most horrible nightmares and sweetest dreams as she clutched my shoulders.

"Fragile mind, weathered body, weary soul. Shatter these, to make you whole. Guilt is the seed of your demise. Burn it all, claim new eyes. Broken to pieces, together once more. A new beginning, an opened door."

She leaned forward, whispering into my ear.

"If we brought you back, someone else has to die."

I clutched at the counter behind me, trembling like mad at the sight of my greatest fear.

"Make it stop."

"Make what stop?"

Kyou was standing in the doorway, rubbing sleep out of her eyes. She became alert, suspicion apparent.

"Shugosha, are you're starting to have one of those attacks?"

"No! I mean, I was just thinking of last night."

"So you remembered, huh? That's good."

As soon as the words left Kyou's mouth, she turned bright red, fumbling for a follow up statement.

"I mean, it must've been pretty bad, considering I was so drunk.

She looked so nervous that it triggered the small part of memory that was the cause. I forced a smile on my face, still shaken.

"You either have really low standards, or your beer goggles were extra tight that night."

"I don't have really low standards! I was just loosened up. That's all."

I nodded, trying to give her a break.

"Sure, Kyou. Just make sure not to do it again."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm not really good enough for you."

She grimaced, displeased by what I said.

"Who are you to decide that?"

"Your friend."

"So you feel nothing towards me?"

I didn't know what to think about Kyou. She may have pointed them out when we first met, but she doesn't seem to care about my scars. She always makes me feel better, no matter what mood I'm in. I... did love her, though. I know that. Which is why I had to do this.

"No, Kyou. You're my friend, so I do not have romantic feelings for you."

That last part was with zero emotion, so I didn't give my lie away.

"Oh. Ok, well, I need to run some errands today. You want to come?"

She looked crestfallen, avoiding my eyes, with a tiny note of hope in her invitation. I took a deep breath, and crushed it.

"I have my little get-together with Hitomi, today. I can't."

Kyou nodded, taking her leave. I would be lying if I didn't say I felt hollow, at that moment. She would leave me, eventually. Like Mizuki.

* * *

><p>"Wow, you're really hungry!"<p>

My gaze went from the fourth bowl of food to my benefactor, who was lit up with happiness. I gave her a shy smile, still a bit surprised by the situation I was in.

"So when was the last time you ate?"

I shrugged, thinking about it for a while, then held up the remaining four fingers on my right hand.

"Four days? That's amazing! Did it hurt?"

I nodded, preferring to stay silent. That same silence helped me hear the door open and close.

"Mizuki, I'm back. I brought you your favor-"

She came into view, a very beautiful woman, with zero resemblance to her daughter. A woman who screamed when she saw the ravaged giant in her kitchen.

"Get out!"

I bolted from my chair, forgetting to lift my feet enough. I slipped and fell, slamming my head on the edge of the table. Almost instantly, red filled my vision from the gash opened above my eye.

"Mom, he's ok! He's like me!"

"You don't even know him, sweetie. He looks like he's dangerous!"

"He's fine, he just hasn't eaten in four days!"

I pushed off from the ground, dazed from the injury. I couldn't see that well from the blood in my eye.

"Wait, Shugosha. I'm sorry if she startled you. Meet my mom."

I craned my head around surprising the two when they noted the cut. Mizuki and her mother started to freak out. My companion wheeled deeper into the kitchen, opening a cabinet with an assortment of medical supplies. She almost ran me over, trying to get to me as fast as she could. Her mother watched on, still intimidated by the stranger in her house. Mizuki, hands slightly trembling, applied bandages.

"I'm so sorry. Are you ok?"

"Yeah, it's just a small cut. I've been worse off."

I straightened up, making for the door, only to feel another tug from my wheelchair bound friend.

"Please stay. At least until you get better."

For some reason, I couldn't say no to her. She sounded so desperate, so sad. She'd only knew me for a couple of hours.

"Why do you care?"

She gave me a bright smile, optimistic like she had been for the majority of her life.

"Because I'm like you. And the worst thing to happen to the wounded would be to suffer alone."

* * *

><p>Someone else has to die. Who?<p>

It haunted me, the many possibilities. I was so frozen with fear, I didn't notice my sister watching me nervously.

"Hitomi! Uh, how are you?"

"I'm doing good."

The air radiated with mistrust and tension. I took the moment to study my little sister. She would of been considered beautiful by the other students, since she took after our mother the most. Not as tall as I was, but she was still a good deal taller than most fifteen year olds. She had changed so much from how I last saw her. I cleared my throat, trying to get rid of my jitters.

"Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah."

I started walking down the street, slowing to accommodate her limp.

"I noticed your leg has gotten better."

"It has. I even do track now."

"That's amazing! I wish I could, but running for a long time takes a lot out of me."

She let slip a smile, but it was buried by the ever-present reminder of how far away she was from her brother in their relationship.

"Did you ever get tired of running away, Shugosha? Ever felt like coming home?"

Scalding heat, suffocation. Pain, pain, pain. No trust, do not love. I shook my head to clear out, getting the bad thoughts out, the ones that clung like cobwebs.

"Sometimes. I wanted to see you, take care of you again."

"I'm too old for that, now."

I hung my head, feeling dejected from her comment.

"But I'll still give you a chance to be my brother."

"Then that's fine with me. Where do you want to go?"

She looked down for a moment, concentrating.

"How about the amusement park on the other side of town? I hear it's fun there."

"Sure, Hitomi. Today's your night, after all."

When we got to our destination, it was a little underwhelming.

"Hitomi, when did they build this?"

"About a year after you left. The owner fell on hard times, though."

And it really showed. The park looked rickety, wear and tear on full display. There was personnel to run the park, regardless. Some of the money I'd been saving for this moment went towards buying tickets, and Hitomi flashed a grin, if only a brief second. We skipped some of the rides, and I asked her about her life.

"So you got a boy?"

Color flooded my sister's face, as this was a difficult question for her.

"There is one guy, I like, but he's not interested."

"I'm sure he'll come around, soon."

We stopped in front of a house of mirrors, and I tensed up.

"Can I stay out here? Please?"

I was desperate to stop from going in, almost starting to shake.

"We can go to something else, if you want."

I nodded, taking her by the hand and walking as fast as possible away from my own personal hell.

We came to a roller coaster, and boarded. I hadn't had that much fun in a long time. It was amazing, exhilarating, and I felt joy hearing my sister's laugh. A laugh like Mizuki's. Why did I stay with her? Why did I brand that pain on my heart? I... No, Mizuki...!

* * *

><p>"Hey Shugosha, you should eat your food."<p>

I stared down at the meal, appreciative, but confused. I ha been there for close to a month, taking care of the girl and her mother. I would do chores around the house, and they would let me stay. But why? I dug into my meal, a habit I had yet to break.

"You really are a hungry person, aren't you?"

I nodded, unable to keep myself from beaming at the little girl who took me. Mizuki was an incredible kid, showing me her skill at the piano after the two days I spent there.

"Thanks for the meal, Ms. Chihara."

Silently, she nodded, her eyes tracing my every movement with caution. She had been wary ever since I arrived. As I helped clean the table, I felt happy. This was a family, one that I could be a part of, maybe.

"Shugosha! Do you want to hear a piece that I've been trying to play?"

"Sure."

I followed her to her instrument, where her fingers danced and eloquent waltz on the keys, and a melancholy sound echoed throughout the house. The Moonlight Sonata.

* * *

><p>"Shugosha, are you ok?"<p>

Reality was falling apart, and I smiled crookedly at my sister.

"I'm fine, Hitomi. You shouldn't worry about me."

I run a hand through her hair, drawing her close for a hug.

"What are you-"

"Please, Hitomi. Let me have this."

I held my sister, the first I considered to be the center of my world. I gently let go after a moment or two.

"Let's have a lot more fun. Ok?"

She lit up, and I led her to the rest of the rides.

"Wasn't that nice?"

Her laugh had returned, for now, resounding through the air. We were walking through an alley, taking shortcuts. I had my sister back for the time being. The world was bright again.

"You piece of shit..."

An old voice came from the end of the alley, and a man staggered drunkenly toward us. I instinctively put my sister behind me protectively. He looked so familiar.

"You took my son away from me, you monster!"

He took another step, his anger and pain all too apparent in his eyes.

"All I needed was money! And you broke my arm!"

The mugger? His son died, and it was my fault?

"I couldn't pay for him, and he died. My son died, my wife left me, and she took my daughter. You took my life away!"

My fault. Monster. The words struck me like a fist to the face, and I fell onto my knees. He finally stood in front of us, swaying back and forth.

"I'm going to show you what that pain feels like!"

He moved quick, and metal flashed in the moonlight. I closed my eyes, waiting for the sharp pain. But all I heard was a gasp, and the fall of a body on snow.

"Shugo... sha-"

I opened my eyes, turning behind me, and felt a nightmare coming to life.

"Hitomi?"

* * *

><p><em>Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,<em>

_Humpty Dumpty had a great fall._

_All the King's horses, And all the King's men_

_Couldn't put Humpty together again._


	16. Chapter 16

Note: Our protagonist, will cycle in and out of memories, and past and present might be hard to tell from each other. That's normal, and for effect.

**Do you know how cruel your God can be, David. How fantastically cruel? ...Sometimes he makes us live.**

-Stephen King (Desperation)

The monster slipped his hands into the reigns, and the old mugger fell to the ground, pinned by the man above him.

"I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL RIP YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!"

The man, reduced to the angry boy he was deep down, began to savage his victim, mashing his face repeatedly with all his strength. He raised his blood covered fists for a death blow, stopped by the whisper of his dying sister.

"No... please, Shugosha. You're not a murderer."

"But he hurt you! He needs to die!"

Tears ran from his eyes, his whole entire body shaking from rage and grief.

"But my older brother isn't a monster."

"I've already killed someone before, don't you understand? I'M ALREADY A MONSTER!"

That soft hand found it's way to my coat, and I came back to reality. Hitomi was coughing, and she was so still.

"Then that was someone else. But the Shugosha I know isn't a monster. He can't be. My older brother is a hero, someone who took care of me no matter what happened to him."

"Hitomi!"

I tugged her up into my arms, trudging through the snow, leaving behind the ravaged man. I took a second to pull out the knife, knowing it would cause her pain if it stayed in.

"You're not going to die, ok? I'm going to take you to that bookstore. Everything will be fine. I'll take care of you again, I promise."

It was all my fault. Mine, mine, mine. Blood on my hands. Pain, too much pain. Too much hurt. In a haze, I saw the hospital ahead of me, Ryou's hospital.

"See, Hitomi. We're here. You'll be ok, right?"

"Shugosha."

I looked at my baby sister, my only joy in the world. There was so much blood, so much red.

"It's so cold. I... I love you, Shugosha."

"I love you too, baby sister! Just stay with me, ok?"

I screamed at the doors, baying all my desperation. But then I felt it; Hitomi had gone limp, silent. No breathing.

"NO!"

* * *

><p>Kyou was riding back home on her bike, when her phone rang. She flipped it open, seeing her sister's number, and smiled. She put the phone to her ear.<p>

"Hey, Ryou. I was just about to call-"

"Kyou, help me!"

Kyou stopped, her pulse quickening. She maneuvered off the road, listening to Ryou cry, completely breaking apart.

"What happened? I'll be right there!"

"No! You have to look for Shugosha, Kyou. He's out there, broken and alone."

"Shugosha? Ryou, tell me what happened!"

Her sobs quieted down, but the hurt was still there.

"It's Hitomi, Kyou. She died."

* * *

><p>No more pain. Hurts too much. Can't love anyone anymore. They'll just hurt me. Hurt me bad.<p>

I limped through the snow, clutching at walls, trying to run away from everything. Hallucinations, monsters laughed at me, yelling rage. The demon appeared, but joviality was gone. It was only sadness that remained.

"Shugosha. You can't keep going, anymore. You're done. Destroyed."

"No more. Go away. Can't think. Can't feel. Too much pain."

I staggered through, and bumped into a child. Looking down, seeing Ushio. I only felt pain, staring at the little girl.

"What's wrong, Shugosha?"

"You'll hurt me too. I have to get rid of you."

The demon rested his hand over mine, guiding the knife to it's target, the one that I wanted to destroy deep down.

* * *

><p>Nagisa was cooking dinner for the people she loved, when she heard the scream of her daughter. Everything was pushed away as her mother's instinct kicked in, sprinting out the door to ground floor. She found Ushio sitting in the snow, looking scared for her life. And far in the distance was the silhouette of a giant, leaving behind a trail of blood on the snow.<p>

"Ushio, are you ok?"

Nagisa almost crushed Ushio, holding her tightly. Ushio was afraid, but she stuttered out a question.

"Why did Shugosha hurt himself, Mommy?"

Nagisa wasn't thinking of her friend from high school. She was intent on getting Ushio inside the house. As she carried her daughter inside, the trail of red drops was buried with more snow.

* * *

><p>No more of all of this. I can't take it. I'm alone. A terrible creature who only destroys whatever he loves. I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve love, just something that will die. Hitomi, I'm so sorry. My fault.<p>

* * *

><p>"Hey Hitomi!"<p>

My little sister turned, with a huge smile on her face. I knelt down, passing her the food I had pocketed from the grocery store.

"It's dango. Do you like it?"

She nodded vigorously, sinking her tiny set of teeth into the meal. Watching her eat made me feel good. It was my job to protect her. I had to. Dad said. I had to protect everyone that needed it. I held Hitomi tight when we went to slept behind the dumpster, feeling her fall asleep in my embrace. I loved her so much. My little sister, the one who I would give up anything for.

* * *

><p>Kyou was desperate to find Shugosha, traveling all over town. Another blizzard was on the way, though not as cruel as the last, but still dangerous. She had to find him, or he'd end up alone and afraid, or worst case scenario, dead. She couldn't believe that Hitomi was dead. It was so hard to accept it. And Shugosha, he only had Hitomi, and his mother, who he wasn't even close to, anyway. His world must've shattered. Kyou wiped her face with her sleeve, and focused on the road. She had to find Shugosha.<p>

* * *

><p>Can't turn back. Can't ever go back. That terrible creature in the mirror, that was me. The one I smashed was me. I needed to look at myself. Judgement. Theme park. I crunched the snow beneath my feet, the same sound that my heart was making. Crunch, crunch, crunch. Theme park is closed, but I open the door, anyway. Break it with my claw, the dirty hand. Hear the thunder echo almost silently in the blizzard. Lightning flash faintly. Doesn't matter. I entered the hall of mirrors, watching myself in various reflections.<p>

"You did this. You hurt everybody. Everybody you love, dies, and it's all your fault."

Smash. One me is gone, and only the color red remains.

"Look at you. Look at how hideous you are. The ugly beast who deserves to rot and fester for his sins."

Another smash. My hand doesn't hurt, just my soul. Blistered and bruised by my own cruel hand.

"You should die. Suffer and remember what you have done. Do it Shugosha. Break yourself as much as you can."

Three mirrors are broken, the polished glass falling in the floor, unless trapped in the contours of bone and tendon.

"DIE MONSTER!"

Even destroying myself, my mind resided on Mizuki. That sweet, bright light along side Hitomi.

* * *

><p>"Why'd you let me in, Ms. Chihara?"<p>

She looked down, Searching for the reason like she'd dropped it on the floor.

"This is the first time I've seen Mizuki so happy. I don't want to stand in the way of that."

She sighed, staring out the window, partially lost in her thoughts.

"I didn't give birth to her, you know. I adopted her, after finding that little girl outside my doorstep. Turns out her real mother just left her there. Couldn't stand a little girl who couldn't walk."

"That's terrible. Why is she disabled, though?"

Her eyes clouded over, and she looked aged, weathered. But love was a fixture, the foundation in her gaze.

"She was born that way. A problem with her spine, but I forget the name of the condition."

I leaned back in my seat, the information a bit hard to take in.

"But why did she say I was like her, then? Her scars aren't self inflicted, are they?"

"That's the thing. When she was younger, she was so angry. She believed that her legs were the issue, and that it was her fault. So she found one of the kitchen knives, and she..."

Ms. Chihara's voice trailed off, and she flinched from the memory. I put my hand on her's, trying to make her feel better.

"She's beautiful, anyway."

For the first time, Ms. Chihara smiled at me, and I felt her trust.

...Something I didn't deserve.

* * *

><p>Living with the Chiharas was weird at first, but I grew to love them. I would go see Mizuki's piano recitals with her, feeling genuinely proud. I would be there to comfort her, hugging her and letting her cry on my shoulder. I would protect those two with my life, feeling them to be a genuine family. But I was running away from my previous family. Hitomi was all alone, except for my mother, but I had no idea how she was, now. These people made me fall in love, and now I don't know what to do.<p>

Mizuki laughed from her perch on my shoulders.

"I'm the tallest person in the world!"

My grin was too difficult to stop, spreading across my face as I listened to my friend broadcast her joy. I had been living with the Chiharas for a year, and to say that they saved me wouldn't do it justice. They brought me up from a sad, homeless man, into someone different. I cared about my family, the one that I had become a part of. Mizuki stopped laughing, and I felt her become serious.

"Shugosha, could I ask you a favor?"

I stopped walking, feeling the breeze around me as I listened intently.

"Anything."

"Can you be my daddy?"

All the air left my lung, as I gasped with surprise, taken aback by the request.

"Are you sure you want me as a dad, Mizuki? I'm not a good person. I'm really not."

"Of course I do. You're the only one that I could call a daddy, now. Please."

The wind kissed my face lightly, and birds sang their morning song, but all I heard was silence, as my mind worked hard to process everything. Me, a dad? But I tried to take care of someone, and it didn't end well. Mizuki, though, I already loved her.

"Ok, Mizuki. I'll be your dad."

She hugged my head, filled with glee.

"I love you, daddy!"

* * *

><p>Sitting at the dinner table was strange. I felt Mizuki glancing at me the whole time, still happy from today's events. Ms. Chihara was also beaming at me, oblivious to my new title. At least, until Mizuki announced it to her.<p>

"Shugosha is going to be my daddy!"

Ms. Chihara almost did a spit take, immediately flustered as she was.

"Why?"

"Because he's always there for me when you can't be."

Her mother looked a little sad, so Mizuki quickly added something else.

"Now I have a mommy that always loves me, who's the best, and a daddy, too."

I gave Ms. Chihara a reassuring smile, which did some good. We finished the dinner, Ms. Chihara still a bit shaken by the news. Mizuki asked me to carry her to bed, and I complied. She looked up at me from her bed, and asked a question.

"Will I be like all the other kids? Can I be normal, now?"

I sat at the foot of her bed, letting out a sigh.

"No, you won't be."

Her face fell, so I finished what I was saying with a smirk.

"You're better than normal, so I don't know why'd you want to be that."

She lit up, and wrapped her arms around my neck, squeezing.

"I love you."

I set her down, tucking her in.

"I love you too, my beautiful daughter."

* * *

><p>I woke up to a world of flames.<p>

"Mizuki!"

I shot up, slamming through the sliding door, sprinting down the hall. The first door would be Ms. Chihara, so I dove inside; finding her unconscious while the house was burning around her. The smoke was so thick, I felt a coughing fit, but I suppressed it. I slung her over my shoulder, getting out of the room.

"Mizuki, where are you?"

I heard a scream downstairs, and I stormed down. There was nothing that would stop me from getting to her. I found her cowering a corner, one she had dragged herself to, surrounded by flames. She was coughing so much, her eyelids falling down slowly. I stepped into the fire, feeling the flames lick my legs, but I didn't care. I grabbed hold of her waist, holding her in one arm.

"Mizuki, you'll be ok. Just stay awake."

She didn't respond, and I felt more hurried than ever. There was so much fire, and my legs hurt so much, but I couldn't give up. I couldn't. I had to protect them. Everything was burning away. I saw the door, and on the verge of collapse, kicked it open, throwing my family onto the grass in front. I fell onto the ground, coughing so bad, I couldn't breathe. It just wouldn't stop, but I dragged myself over to Mizuki, shaking her to wake her up.

"Mizuki, please wake up!"

But her eyes were open and glassy, staring up at terrible sky brightened by the light of hell. My mind decided that it would be best to shut down, as I plunged into black.

* * *

><p>Reality is cruel. Mizuki died that night, due to the smoke burning her up from the inside, from a gas leak by the oven. The firemen came ten minutes after I got out, and saved me and Ms. Chihara. I remained in a state of catatonia, and I eventually forgot about Mizuki after a year. I wandered back to the town of my sister, looking for a reason to live. And then I found Hitomi again. But reality is cruel, after all.<p> 


	17. Chapter 17

Note: This is the shortest chapter of the lot. Extremely short. But it's one that will hopefully rock you to your core.

**Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. **  
>-Lao Tzu<p>

No more me. No more Shugosha.

* * *

><p>Kyou was starting to drift, the cold taking it's toll on her mind. She had to go back home. Had to. She powered her bike down the slick road, to the warm safety of her apartment.<p>

"What are you doing?"

A voice she didn't recognize spoke, one strangely familiar.

"I thought you loved him."

"But he doesn't love me back. He only thinks of me as a friend."

"Really?"

Kyou stopped, and the voice went on, criticizing her.

"You really believe that he doesn't love you? He carried you home. He took care of you. He saved your life."

Saved her life?

"What do you mean by that last example?"

"You know that dream was real, Kyou. Deep down, you know it happened."

Kyou shivered, not from cold, but from fright.

"Why do you love him?"

"Because he was the first to look past the fact that I was a twin. He saw me as Kyou, not the sister of Ryou. He ignore my anger, my violence, and he loved me, even if he didn't know. He would do anything to protect me."

The voice was silent, and Kyou asked.

"Who are you?"

"I'm you, of course."

Kyou made up her mind, and turned back, moving away from her house. She had to find him. She had to tell him how she felt.

* * *

><p>I moved away from the broken house, and I felt the cold sink it's teeth into my hands. But they numbed, and the pain dissipated.<p>

"Got to make it back. I can't live."

I made it to that black path, the ugly road, like the one my father died on. And I walked in the middle, awaiting my death.

* * *

><p>Kyou called everyone she knew, trying to find some sort of lead of where he might be. On the fifth call, she got Nagisa.<p>

"Nagisa, have you seen Shugosha?"

"Kyou? Why are you calling? I can't hear you that well."

"Nagisa you have to understand. This is really important. Have you seen Shugosha?"

She heard Nagisa clear her throat, and Ushio called out in the background, her words intelligible.

"Ushio says she knows. I'm going to pass the phone to her."

Kyou listened to the little girl take the phone, and her small voice answered, in a frantic tone.

"Shugosha is feeling really bad, Ms. Fujibiyashi. He hurt himself in front of me. And then he walked toward the road. You HAVE to find him."

In this weather, hurt? He might die.

"Of course, Ushio. I'll find him."

Kyou sped past the Okazaki's home, following the path to the creature that was once her friend. All she could do was hope he wasn't unreachable.

* * *

><p>I fell. I fell and I don't feel like getting up. There's no point to it all. When I was born, I was destined for pain. Never-ending, absolute pain. First Dad died. Then Mom hurt us over and over again, even as she hurt herself, and turned me into a monster. Mizuki was next to die, leaving me alone. And now Hitomi. Could I finally die, and live in peace? I've suffered enough. If I hurt everyone that I love, it'd be best if I died, now, to keep everyone else safe. Nice and safe.<p>

"Shugosha!"

Kyou? I sat up, looking down the road. There she was, hurtling toward me. I couldn't see her. I'd just hurt her, too. Or me.

"STAY AWAY!"

I got to my feet, limping as fast as my frost covered body allowed me. I heard the bike fall, skid on the road, and the sound of shoes slapping the ground behind me. Being faster, Kyou caught up to me, jumping onto my back.

"You're not running away!"

I threw her onto the ground, watching her writhe in pain. Maybe if I killed her before she died, than she wouldn't hurt me. Slowly, I lowered my hands to her throat, and fastened them.

"You can't hurt me if you're already dead. You can't!"

She weakly clawed at my hands, and then, she did something else. Kyou lifted her hands, resting them on my face, and fought, pulling herself told me.

"What are you-"

She joined her lips with mine, and gave me her love. She gave me her heart, gave me her warmth, felt my pain. My hands dropped, pushing her back.

"No. You can't. You'll hurt me."

I edged away, trying to get back up. But she threw herself on top of me, looking down. And she cried. Tears fell on my face, as her soft, beautiful eyes looked into mine.

"I'll cry for you, Shugosha. You don't have to be alone. I'll stay with you, ok? Forever."

She kissed me again, pouring everything she had into me, clawing at my pain. Her tears ran into my eyes, and I allowed myself to finally let go. I held her, on that road, and sobbed, breaking apart.

"Please Kyou. Please, don't leave me alone, like all of them have. I don't want to be alone, anymore."

Kyou looked into my eyes once more, and they shone with love.

"I'll always be by your side, Shugosha."

I cried on that road, letting all the pain flow out, all those years of hurt. I looked up at the sky, seeing the demon. He smiled at me, somber.

"That's it, Shugosha. You found it. You found your home."

The world stopped, and I looked up at him, the final questions in mind.

"Who are you? Why did you haunt me all those years, saying those things tempting me, encouraging me, hating me, and stopping me?"

The spirit, no longer a demon, simply shook his head.

"I was always you. Just a different piece."

I wasn't Humpty Dumpty. I wasn't destined to be broken, fallen off the wall. Because someone held me together, there. Everyone tried to keep me from breaking, but it was Kyou that put me back together. One fragment at a time.

Note: One more chapter. The tale of Shugosha will be complete. It's been an exhilarating ride.


	18. Chapter 18

Note: Short chapter, but I'm happy with the end.

Days blurred together, and I found myself leaving the world behind for long periods of time, until I was pulled out by Kyou. After what seemed like years, I woke up in a hospital bed, sitting up abruptly, apparently after surgery. I studied where my right hand used to be, poking the stump. The doctors said they had to get rid of it. It was weird. I thought I felt it, but they said that was normal. Kyou tapped me on the shoulder, trying to look happy for me. Probably to snap me out of whatever the doctors said I had.

"How are you doing, Shugosha?"

I simply shook my head, not caring to speak. I didn't have to, after all. They couldn't make me. Kyou tilted my head up, making me look into her eyes.

"Come on Shugosha. Please, tell me how you're doing."

I couldn't help it.

"Sad. Hand is gone."

My mouth wasn't working well. Kyou sat down beside me, putting her head on my shoulder.

"I'm here. You're not alone."

I put my arm around her, trying to find something to anchor me to the world. I looked at the woman I would protect for the rest of my life, the one that loved me. I let myself lean on her, putting my trust in her.

"You're here."

* * *

><p>Everyone was there. The Okazaki family, Ryou and her fiancé, Kotomi, Youhei, Misae, and my mother. They all looked down at the resting place of Hitomi, and they each said something. I was surprised by the amount of help that each of them had given her when I left. Kotomi helped her with grades. Nagisa got her a job. Ryou and Kyou took turns babysitting her. Youhei kept her athletic. And Misae had taken both her and my mother in, of course. They each paid their respects, and left. The only people that remained were me, and Kyou. I stared off into the distance, seeing nothing, hearing nothing, until Kyou looped her arm around mine. I gave her a small, sad smile, and with help, made my way over to the grave, step by step.<p>

_Hitomi Miyano_

_An innocent child loved by all, taken from us._

The flowers that I was trying to hold onto with my only hand were slipping. I left them in front of the grave, as carefully as possible. I cleared my throat, trying to get my mouth to function properly.

"Hitomi. Sorry. My fault. You're gone."

I choked back a tremor, sadness getting in the way.

"Couldn't protect you."

I fell to my knees, hugging the grave.

"Please come back. Please. I can't lose you."

Kyou wrapped her arms around me, and shared my pain. After a few moments of grief, I got up slowly, and thought about everything we had done together.

"Never forget you, baby sister."

I stood up, feeling a warm drop roll off my cheek. And I walked away.

* * *

><p>I lapsed into a spiral of despair, but I never hit the bottom. Kyou was still holding on to me, adamant on not letting go. A year passed, and another. I lost track of time, but I never forgot. Even through everything, Kyou stayed. Her kids left kindergarden, but before, they almost took care of me too. Heh, Ushio made a hand out of clay and put it on my stump. She also gave me a picture of her and Hitomi. She told me that Hitomi used to babysit her. I kept the picture, slipping it through the fingers of the hand I left on my desk. Many times, I asked Kyou the question that always baffled me.<p>

"Why?"

She would just look at me, her face softening, and she would give me a kiss, repeating the answer she would always give.

"Because I love you. For your scars, your kindness, and for the person that you are."

She would then grin that mischievous little smile, tackle me onto the couch, and we would sleep there, at peace. I would be a guardian to Kyou, never letting any harm come to her. Maybe, one day, I could be happy again. Now, I'm content with watching over my love, the one person who saved me. I wasn't a monster, anymore, I realized. Just another human.

* * *

><p>Note: You know, I hate endings. In anything. They usually leave us wanting more, especially with Clannad. But in a way, I understand them, now. Maybe the fan, who discovered the story, would want more, but the characters will always live in the author's mind, living the rest of their imaginary lives. And as my story fades into the annals of the Clannad section of Fanfiction, will my story be remembered? Did I do a good job? These are questions I will continue to ask myself as I move forward as a writer. And of course, I'm happy I was able to give Shugosha life, in the end.<p> 


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